9:00am
Back on my Minneapolis turf.
Feeling as lost and disconnected as ever.
Home was good; delicious pork fat still clings to my bones.
I feel ready to really hit my new life... but my aggressively stubborn laziness stirs me into a fit. This morning, I returned to my (old?) apartment. They've already made it all nice, with rugs, light bulbs and a new shower curtain. I can't help but believe they did it on purpose to make me regret my decision to bail on a moment's notice. I am stuck financially. This might keep me tied to others while I really wish to be alone... but like Rita said, she wasted a lot of money on living alone that could have been saved if she was just ok with having roommates, and if this thing works out with Kathy's friend, I'll have a lot of money saved, and I'm sure it will be tolerable.
I am afraid of being too far away from friends, but the City as it is keeps us all quite close. Soon, the season will improve for the bicycles, and my world will be smaller.
I am hesitant to nest in a place I know isn't permanent. All the while fearing permanence.
I fear a living experience that will drive me apart from Kathy, even though evidence suggests that's impossible.
Then what about the Conservation Corps?
I start in one short week, and right of the bat, I'll be enlisted from early till 5:30 every day at least until March. It will be a brand new adventure, but not unlike many other adventures I've had. I'll make new friends and we'll grow close through organized activities. I will be able to shine as a bright new face, with talents, skills and quirks that will add to everyone's experience. It will foster my endeavors, my high hopes and dreams. It will blanket the next 10 months with a comfortably temporary security.
As I reach the dregs of my first cup of Cafetto coffee, the luke warm swill is... smooth... and easy on the palate. I miss home and the bitter, too long in the french press, parent preferred drug.
Last week, I left here sad and nostalgic. Now I'm back, sad and uncertain.
Feeling inspired though. Going to check off the blog roll!
