A Once and Future King

As you may know, I've been ovaries deep in Game of Thrones of late. I still have about 200 pages before I can take a deep breath, read a few more chapters of Moby Dick, and then plunge back into the next 4 books, so that I will finally be able to talk to my friends again. Without spoilers.

Well, the back cover of my copy (Featuring Sean Bean < 3 in Aegon's sword throne) it reads, "Reminiscent of T.H. Whites a Once and Future King, this novel is an absorbing combination of blah blah blah, [myth], [history], [personal], [boobs]." 

It's been on my mind, and from there, I go from talking about a gloriously addicting book that provides hours of fun, conversation with friends new and old, in addition to fantastically nerdy pick up lines, I proceed to talk about my feelings. 

No one likes a break up.

A lot of me fears relationships as a whole simply because I know they will have to come to an end, and that means going through the Bitter Break-up. I guess that proves that deep down, I am in this relationship game for the long run, that my ultimate goal is to find someone that I will not have to ditch.

But in youth and adolescence, the end is inevitable (Like how Michael tells George Michael that he can't date Maybe, because he's 15 and even though they're not related, it WILL end).

Yet meanwhile, I watch close friends and beloved family members tie the knot. 

The legacy of Josh the First still holds that the only point of dating is to scope out for marriage. It seems extreme and ultimate, yet ... yeah. To his credit (Josh the First easily holds a seat in my long time friend cabinet, anything I say about him is with the utmost respect) his views on relationships have become less extreme. Again though, who doesn't just want a lifetime of happiness?

So I tried Polyamory. I hate even saying that word. "Non-monogamy" works better... but what it comes down to is the idea that dating doesn't mean marriage. Dating means dating. It makes sense if you want to play the field, and the non-monog dialogues I learned hold true when it comes to HONESTY, youth, freedom and reckless decisions. 

For example, when tumbling in the sheets with a new partner, having been on one, two, three whole dates by now and well, your belt is coming off. That is when you say, "Hey, I actually subscribe to a post-modern ideal of relationships, reminiscent of the "free-love" movement of Victoria Woodhull in the late 1800s, recognizing that we all have the right to enjoy our bodies on our own terms, and further, as Foucault would argue that our choices in relationships do not necessarily define ourselves as individuals. This being said, I am currently engaged in multiple relationships, each of us moving forward in constant dialogue based on honesty, safety and autonomy. Still wanna bone?"

In lay person terms, i.e. for those who don't feel it necessary to over analyze everything from major life decisions to what to have for breakfast, "Hey bro, I'm not looking for anything serious. K?"

Two whole significant summers ago, I found myself in a relationship that made sense. I liked it. I was in love. I became a Prince. His Prince.

Yet, in the Game of Thrones you either win or you die, and I am a King.

Too Tired for Feelings

Waking up too early.

Working hard all day, mentally, physically, both.

Dealing with people, the environment, and myself.

Get home. Exhausted. Make a lunch for tomorrow and count the hours until it's ok to go to sleep again.

In those hours, in clarity of mind, feel. Feel things that I was too busy wallowing in to notice. Not now. I only have time for living these days.

But life goes on.

Sunrise over the City

9:00am
Back on my Minneapolis turf.

Feeling as lost and disconnected as ever.

Home was good; delicious pork fat still clings to my bones.

I feel ready to really hit my new life... but my aggressively stubborn laziness stirs me into a fit. This morning, I returned to my (old?) apartment. They've already made it all nice, with rugs, light bulbs and a new shower curtain. I can't help but believe they did it on purpose to make me regret my decision to bail on a moment's notice. I am stuck financially. This might keep me tied to others while I really wish to be alone... but like Rita said, she wasted a lot of money on living alone that could have been saved if she was just ok with having roommates, and if this thing works out with Kathy's friend, I'll have a lot of money saved, and I'm sure it will be tolerable.

I am afraid of being too far away from friends, but the City as it is keeps us all quite close. Soon, the season will improve for the bicycles, and my world will be smaller.

I am hesitant to nest in a place I know isn't permanent. All the while fearing permanence.

I fear a living experience that will drive me apart from Kathy, even though evidence suggests that's impossible.

Then what about the Conservation Corps?
I start in one short week, and right of the bat, I'll be enlisted from early till 5:30 every day at least until March. It will be a brand new adventure, but not unlike many other adventures I've had. I'll make new friends and we'll grow close through organized activities. I will be able to shine as a bright new face, with talents, skills and quirks that will add to everyone's experience. It will foster my endeavors, my high hopes and dreams. It will blanket the next 10 months with a comfortably temporary security.

As I reach the dregs of my first cup of Cafetto coffee, the luke warm swill is... smooth... and easy on the palate. I miss home and the bitter, too long in the french press, parent preferred drug.

Last week, I left here sad and nostalgic. Now I'm back, sad and uncertain.

Feeling inspired though. Going to check off the blog roll!