Too Tired for Feelings

Waking up too early.

Working hard all day, mentally, physically, both.

Dealing with people, the environment, and myself.

Get home. Exhausted. Make a lunch for tomorrow and count the hours until it's ok to go to sleep again.

In those hours, in clarity of mind, feel. Feel things that I was too busy wallowing in to notice. Not now. I only have time for living these days.

But life goes on.

Not Wearing Pants, My Anti-Drug

Eyes snapped open after a failed attempt at an already too late bed-time.

The excitement to move is finally kicking in. Probably because tomorrow's the day.
Until this point, I felt reluctant, unmotivated and even hesitant about moving, but now it's actually happening, and entering a new space is always a fun process.

I couldn't stop thinking about my action plan: Wake up as if it were a work day, 5:45am up and at it, clean out the van, move my small boxes from the cabin into bigger boxes, manuever mattress from old room! ...
... But... do I want to try to move my bookshelf? It's perfect for my book needs in addition to being an ideal fit for Kraken's tank. What about my Encylopedia Brittanicas? They are heavy, but would provide knowledge as well as table space. I need a dresser. Is it worth purging ALL the clothes from my past, and hauling my big pine dresser out of the corner? It would be heavy, and probably wouldn't fit in this round of moving anyway... but... space! And decorations... I could bring my muskrat skin, and my Civil War poster, and my little black Dala Horse. My new room will be beautiful... but... I'll only be there for 5 months. 5 months of heavy living, I'll have to move in a LITTLE! So why not make it comfy?

At this point, I gave up on sleep, and did a preliminary purge of clothing. Only a small number of items didn't make the cut, but I got it down to three boxes, and that's including bedding!

And, as a hippie, who should own "nothing and nothing," I brace myself for future renegades.

Because let's say I set a long term goal of being accepted into "Project Conserve" in North Carolina next year. My experience by then will be a solid nudge. I even have a chance of being a LEADER!

And WHERE exactly?

Asheville. Asheville, North Carolina, a city who caught my eye years ago and commenced to woo. It's about time I ran to their arms, and under whims more realistic than in two days in the back of some stranger's truck.

Yeeeahh.... that happened.

I just checked out their website... the next term starts this September, and I'll be with my Minnesota Corps until December. Maybe I'll be in my new room a bit longer!

A lot is up in the air, but a lot is also solid.
After only two weeks in the Conservation Corps I feel my future stirring. ... I must avoid cliches that echo the t-shirts, "Resources Restored, Lives Changed."

But yeah, my life is already changed.

*Title taken from a lovely game of Cards Against Humanity. That, and I'm doing that thing where, because you never do laundry, when you do, you do as much as you most possibly can.

Sunrise over the City

9:00am
Back on my Minneapolis turf.

Feeling as lost and disconnected as ever.

Home was good; delicious pork fat still clings to my bones.

I feel ready to really hit my new life... but my aggressively stubborn laziness stirs me into a fit. This morning, I returned to my (old?) apartment. They've already made it all nice, with rugs, light bulbs and a new shower curtain. I can't help but believe they did it on purpose to make me regret my decision to bail on a moment's notice. I am stuck financially. This might keep me tied to others while I really wish to be alone... but like Rita said, she wasted a lot of money on living alone that could have been saved if she was just ok with having roommates, and if this thing works out with Kathy's friend, I'll have a lot of money saved, and I'm sure it will be tolerable.

I am afraid of being too far away from friends, but the City as it is keeps us all quite close. Soon, the season will improve for the bicycles, and my world will be smaller.

I am hesitant to nest in a place I know isn't permanent. All the while fearing permanence.

I fear a living experience that will drive me apart from Kathy, even though evidence suggests that's impossible.

Then what about the Conservation Corps?
I start in one short week, and right of the bat, I'll be enlisted from early till 5:30 every day at least until March. It will be a brand new adventure, but not unlike many other adventures I've had. I'll make new friends and we'll grow close through organized activities. I will be able to shine as a bright new face, with talents, skills and quirks that will add to everyone's experience. It will foster my endeavors, my high hopes and dreams. It will blanket the next 10 months with a comfortably temporary security.

As I reach the dregs of my first cup of Cafetto coffee, the luke warm swill is... smooth... and easy on the palate. I miss home and the bitter, too long in the french press, parent preferred drug.

Last week, I left here sad and nostalgic. Now I'm back, sad and uncertain.

Feeling inspired though. Going to check off the blog roll!