The Power of Beethoven

Wednesday was longer than usual today.

I made it through being not nearly as productive as yesterday, but it still has left me feeling ugh.

SO, I said NO to homework and instead wrote a letter, and am now listening to "Ludwig Van Beethoven Superhits."

This was the first CD I ever owned. My mom bought it for me and I listened non-stop. I even recorded the Morris family answering machine greeting over "Ode to Joy."

Once when I was in elementary school, I wanted to prove to my friend Dylan that classical music is not boring. I even tried to be sly and said, "Why don't you like classical music?" Hoping he'd say that it was boring, which he did, and then I played Turkish March from the Ruins of Athens on by great big pink boom box, "Can you say THIS is boring?" ... He didn't appreciate it...

Ode to Joy just played, and it still gives me goosebumps.

No matter what kind of mood I am in, Beethoven always manages to bring me up a couple notches.

... I wonder if I could get Bob to let us play the Ruins of Athens... Hmmm... That and Valdres and I would be forever contented.

I guess that's all I have to say about that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jwxZoq8xuHA

One of the longest Tuesdays ever... and no classes!

As if I have time to sit down and blog.
What has happened is that I opened my computer to "clean up" (and eventually rewrite) my History paper, but it's easy to be distracted when you have a computer open...

I want to say that I have plunged into chaos, yet for some reason, in spite of my impending doom, I am not freaking out, and I don't even feel inspired enough to whine about how stressed I am.

Today I:
Woke up early and used the light box on the third floor to combat this icky darkness while reading Latin American History text, and "Inside the Cuban Revolution" (Yum). Then I Skyped with Colin, and even though the conversation wasn't that long, that wedge of time turned into at least 3 hours. That included lunch with Kathleen though.
While sitting on the couch reading, I had a shocking realization: I can't be in Vespers because not only do I have class on Thursday during rehearsal, I have class on Friday! At this time I did feel a little bit of doom, especially since I had already been finagling with Doug to get out of History on Thursday (even though I have my presentation and didn't want to). I pushed the Doom aside and met with Professor Lansing about the Chrislock Grant.

I REALLY love the History department. I love the hallway of Memorial where everyone is. I love each professor's office. I love all the books that take up at least one whole wall of their spaces. Today I got to love looking at all of Lansing's books and wondering if he's read them all, and then I saw a little end of a shelf with the books that he assigned last year, and some of the books from 350 this year, and I realized that I already had that little bit of shelf for myself!

After discussing technicalities, and being assured of my intellectual growth (which I really needed) I then made the walk of shame to Bob's office. I knew that Bob would not be too angry, but I still didn't want to have to tell him of my failure. It was rough, but I am no longer in the Vespers Orchestra which has two emotions: Sadness because I had been really excited to play at such a big event, and relief in knowing that I could be sitting through a ridiculously long rehearsal at this very moment, but instead I can blog and get things done.

Tomorrow I will have to tell Steve that I can't do Chamber on Friday. This could be bad.

To make myself feel better-and also to make progress- I spent an hour in a practice room with my beautiful trumpet and Concert Etude. *profanity*

Luckily, I am STARTING to be able to double tongue and not sound awful, but that's after slowing the tempo WAY down from the really cool fast one I start at. Exactly two weeks until my Jury. Can I pull it together???

Sporting my trumpet ring, I went to the library and typed up my very first grant request. I had entirely too much fun, and had to fight the urge to change my facebook status accordingly. Should writing grant requests be fun?

Visser visited after her shift at Open Arms, and that was delightful. I even found the thumbtack she gave me to defend myself last year in my winter coat pocket. Lovely indeed.

From there, I finally got the paper money I needed to FINALLY do laundry-a sorely needed task. And then I ran across the parking lot and up all the Old Main stairs to find "treasurer" Aidan to sign the grant form. I didn't know that Lansing's American West class was so small! There were just about 10 people sitting around pushed together tables ready to discuss their reading! I wished I could have joined. A student questioned my presence, and Lansing told them that I was one of them. I am still smiling.

By this time it was after six, and I realized that I had time to eat dinner, and even though I wasn't hungry, it would probably be wise, so I did. While eating, Matt joined me and we talked enthusiastically about the Movement of the 26th of July, and Fidel Castro, and research, and FRANK PAIS, and History Honors, and so many wonderful things.

Jacqui told us in 280, (or maybe it was in a reading, or it could have been someone from the center for service work and learning) that a lot of finding your place in the "right" major has to do with finding the right people. If you don't like "your" people, that could be a problem. I LOVE my history people. My experiences today are just a couple examples of how GREAT I feel to be part of this "community" (cliche...). Ah...

But this is all part of another blog I plan to write about just how frighteningly beautiful the field of history is! (MY field!)

*deep breath

Well, I have CLEAN dry clothes for tomorrow, only two more chapters to read (3 if I am awake) and some editing to do (a whole new rough draft if I have enough motivation... which won't happen) and I am going to get on that.

Lonely Hours, Reckless nights...

It is Sunday night. I don't want to think about homework. I am on the couch alone just like last night.

The Patriot is on Tv, and I am watching that, so I am not JUST sitting at my computer.

I just now realized that this movie isn't about the Civil War. Oops.

So Jaqui DeVries. Was this what the Revolutionary war was really like? Was the "Don't Tread on Me" slogan from this war? I feel like it wasn't. Were all colonial Americans this good looking?

Well.

This weekend was a lot of fun, even though I spent my evenings alone. Yesterday I visited Codey in super hip Uptown. Other Cody had to go to work, but Codey and I went to the Coffee expo. It was exciting. Sara and her friend Mellissa showed up eventually, but about the same time I needed to get back on a bus to make band call. The concert went really well

(OH NO IT'S THE GUY WHO KILLED HEATH LEDGER! ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO STAB HIM WITH A FLAG?)

Afterward, I went out to eat with Marrta's family, and then we saw the First Year Honors plays. They were really good, but none of them were as good as ours. ;)

When that was all done, I got to moping because there was nothing to do. Of course there is always SOMETHING to do... but I wanted to hang out with people, and I couldn't find any. Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough.

Today I slept a lot.

For the Jazz concert, they made the Chapel look like a night club with big curtains, lights and a fog machine. We rocked.

Now I am by myself again. Yep. At least it's almost late enough to go to bed.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and I get to go home!!!

"Sometimes it's good to have some time for yourself"

Friday.

My week of utter laziness comes full circle, but my what a week it has been. After I finished reading for History, and writing my book review ( I got a B on it...) My academic body shut down. Since then I've been taking naps, and having a good time.

Last Saturday, after working at the Stadium and being walked back back Beth and Louisa (love!) I went adventuring with Jenny. We went to the Walker, but it closed, so we explored the sculpture garden, and then we went to the Tea Garden to wait for Ben. I met Codey there too, and that was splendid. I had TWO Kiwi latte jasmine green teas with strawberry jellies. Yum Yum Yum.

After Tea Garden, we went back to Augsburg and prepared for the rest of the evening. Normally when I am asked if I want to go dancing at First Ave for Too Much Love, I say, "Yeah, well, thanks, but that really isn't my scene." Ha. Coincidentally, Visser wanted to go dancing too! So she met up with us before we went! It really was great. TML rocks. What better way to spend a dollar and wiggle out all your cares? That's what I did. The next time that opportunity comes up, I will probably have some excuse not to go... but I might not be so quick to turn it down. !!!

That Sunday I slept way too late, and then went to Three Sisters to see Kathleen. My main review is that it's difficult watching your friends perform and try to believe the story... when you know your friends. Otherwise the play was really good.

As far as the week in between then and now goes, I have been treading water. This week I have the 10 page history paper due, and I need to finish "Confronting the American Dream," which really means "read" because I am only on chapter two. I will work really hard this week, burn myself out, and then I will have another lazy week. Or not. I will find the motivation somewhere.

Last night after class I went to the Varsity Theater with a band friend to see another band friend perform with his band "The Blend." They were really good, and I was able to do some more wiggling. I didn't get home until late, and I wonder why I wanted to sleep in this morning...

Tomorrow I work at Dino's again bright and early. I look forward to it.

So. I feel like I have been living the Minneapolis experience. I've been having FUN, and my school work isn't suffering so bad. Last semester I had fun and worked hard and didn't sleep much, but I really enjoy sleeping.

Oh well. I am happy.

And I call myself a Blogger...

I am really sorry.

Ok, so now what should I blog about... I am in the honor's suite and it is loud, so I stopped reading about the Mexican revolution.

The Jazz band got back from tour late Sunday night and plunged me right back into the school week. It's already Tuesday. I loved the Jazz band tour. We left at 10:30 on Friday morning, and Performed at South St. Paul high school, from there we hit the road and headed to Black River Falls for another show. We stayed at a hotel there that night, and left in the morning for Green Bay. We had a show at Laura's church, and then went to her house to eat delicious pie, and play games. It was Halloween on Saturday, but I spent it hanging out by the hot tub. The next morning we played two shows at another church, and finally our last performance in a church in Ben's town.

We didn't get home until 10:30, and I didn't go to sleep until at least midnight. I was too fascinated by the fact that Hank and Dean Venture are going through puberty.

Anyway, Jazz tour was amazing. Coming back to band on Monday was really cool, seeing all the people that had bonded so well by traveling in close quarters, and playing 6 shows in three days together. Being part of the band has been such a great experience, and it keeps getting better.

I am really excited for Band tour.

Now this week I have to finish two books hopefully by tomorrow so I can write papers by Thursday, and then it will mellow out slightly. I decided not to go home for Deer opener this weekend, and instead I will be working at Dino's, reading, and hopefully meeting up with Visser.

I like school. I didn't last week. Now I do.

Vocation

I just got back from studying in the library. I went in with the intention of finishing all four Historiography chapters, some Rucker, and the first chapter in "From Subjects to Citizens" but after 3 hours I had only read 1 and a half chapters... Three hours goes a lot faster in the morning...

I come back in a haze.

A couple weeks ago when my History280 class walked to the Wilson Library, the professor told me all about great big, graduate study libraries. I lit up and got really excited, and she told me that I have found my vocation.

I think I already knew that. I came in a History major, and I will leave as one. To what end, I don't know, but Professor Gustafson assured us that we don't need to know what we are going to do with our lives until we are 30. If we are thirty and still don't know, THEN we can start worrying.

Mix that with the out look that one of Visser's professors had that you just have to make your life INTERESTING, and I am pretty set.

With the History classes I have this semester, I feel that I am really learning the stuff that is going to be integral. I am becoming immersed in a reality that can never be understood, but is entirely mine.

Maybe that's what Historiography is about.

In an essay by Barbara Tuchmann that I read today, she spoke of the most influential professors in her life. She said that what gave them their power was their passion. In describing one of them, she compared his love affair with Article 39 of the Magna Carta to that of any love affair. When one is in love, they want to tell everyone all about what makes their sweet heart so wonderful. (Insert CPA format citation here...)

When I went home last weekend, all I could talk about was the Haitian Revolution, Toussaint L'ouverature, historiography and libraries.

I know something must be right because it moves me just to think about the little interactions I've had with history so far, and even more to think about where it will take me!

To grad school.
To six books a week for one class.
To bloody terrifying dissertations.
To Libraries.
To Conventions.

To a coffee table at 3 in the morning, with my peers and comrades, all recounting boistrously why our latest flames out shine the others.

I wish I knew how to better put it to words...

"Vocation" is a cliche here, and it really does sound like it belongs in the flowery mission statement of a private liberal arts college, but it does exist.

This is bound to be a recurring theme. I just really love history, and history loves me back .

Coffee and Jade Plants Mostly

I've been trying to write a blog since Tuesday the 8th, and each time, I start the same way, and each time, I give up after no more than two lines.

It is a Saturday. The first real, full, college Saturday of the semester, and I sit by myself on the couch, blogging, and waiting for someone to call me, or text me, or ANYTHING... Nope.

I got down on myself about this for a while, but then I decided that I don't want to approach anyone simply because I don't want to approach anyone!

I seized the evening, and reminded myself of the simple things I have to enjoy, like Holiday Station coffee in a Styrofoam cup, and my little jade plant which I love. I sorted laundry, demolished some piles, arranged my books... productivity? I have plenty of work to do, but it's Saturday. I will spend the rest of my night reading Cat's Cradle (!) and eating Ben and Jerry's. If I am going to be alone on a Saturday night, I am going to do it right!

I really wish I had more to say. School is great. I am happy. I have a weekend job with Dino's Gyros that I shamelessly enjoy. Books to read. Time. Knowledge.

ANI DIFRANCO TOMORROW!

I promise better titles in the future

I looked at my original blogs as promised, and noticed they all have cool titles... lately, my titles have been lame.

I have fifteen minutes until lunch, and I am sitting with the rest of the Augsem leaders in a Sverdrup computer lab. I have some time to kill, so why not blog a minute by minute up date of AUGSEM TRAINING!

Whoot Woo!

I've already been in training since 8:30, but time has been flying... it might be because I have zoned out a bit more today. That is bad, but I am still paying enough attention to get by I think.

Bad habit.

I have a lot to do tonight after training, and it's really freaking me out. While back in March, I was a text book type A, I think I have slipped breezily back into type B... enjoying waits in line... naps... lalala... With impending school doom, I need to buckle down.

Marrta and I had a good talk about it last night. We're both freaked out, and it feels good that I am not alone. I know that we're not the only ones, but it's still intimidating. I almost feel like I am not ready, but I can't keep telling myself that.

Time for pizza.

Back to School

I think it's safe to say that this is the first blog of the school year. I have to start really blogging now, and not just whatever it is that I have been doing.

I don't know what I am supposed to be doing.

Mike Perry showed us Augsem leaders and ResLife kids a blog from Kansas University, and it was all... accurate? I wonder if my portrayal is accurate.

I should go back and read my blogs from the "First six weeks" and see if they look like they're supposed to.

What do I blog about? Feelings? Activities? Classes? Social Life? I need input. Seriously... comment or facebook me, help me to paint a better picture.

Today I...

Woke up at 6 am, moments before my alarm went off, showered, packed, and left Visser's apartment in St. Paul. I got back to Augsburg at 7:40am, and quietly (hopefully) fumbled around the apartment here getting ready for Augsem training. I was exhausted because after a full day of work the day before, Visser and I stayed up later than recommended by my conscious to draw pictures. Training went fast, but I still feel a bit beaten.

After training, I took a nap, and then Marrta and I went school shopping at the Lake Street Target. I bought paper for my binders, pens, postits, and chocolate. Some how I spent more than $30. When we got back, I put the paper in the binders and got excited.

Professor Lansing already has the Syllabus for Latin American History posted on moodle. That makes me happy because I was able to put deadlines in my planner. I will have to read a whole book for each class. It's taken me two months to read Virginity Lost... this will be interesting. I am still really excited though.

I am sure other professors have syllabi posted too, but that was the only one I looked at.

Then I ate the rest of my lunch sandwich, came to my room and wallowed in being lonely. I am lonely, but I do not have the energy to do anything about it.

No doubt some of these feelings come from the goings on of last week.

BUMMER.

Tomorrow, as I mentioned is more training, and then Saturday and Sunday are my last days at the Fair. Visser told me that I have Dairy Queen syndrome, which is when you secretly love your job inspite of all your gripes. It's no secret. This has probably been one of the most fun jobs I've had... probably even above JJ's (Not above KBEK though!)

1)KBEK
2)Dino's
3)JJ's
4)Auggie Guide
40) Custodian I

:)

The people are all really fun, time goes fast, it's the fair... and what else can I say? Sometimes I begrudge going in, but it's always a great experience afterwards.

Fun Fun Fun.

School scares me, but it will be great.

Summer 2009 in Review

These days are numbered.
Mmmm, the romance in sitting alone in the living room, eating fruit from the can, and crunchy white rice, doused in soy sauce swiped from the Mall food court. I stayed in bed until 11am. It's afternoon. It's day. It's Summer.

Colin leaves for Prague tomorrow morning, and tonight we are having a going away party for him in the park. Then he's gone. Just four months though. However, considering what the last 4 months held, that might be a big deal.

Then on Friday I start my job at the State Fair. I went in for Orientation yesterday, and it looks like it will be a strenuous, yet bearable 2 weeks, and by the end, I'll have my books paid for.

So Lily, what have you learned in your first summer on your own?

I've had 4 jobs. 2 days as an Environmental canvasser. 2 months as a Mall custodian. A weekend as Art Fair help, and now a cashier at the Minnesota State Fair.

Jobs are a skeleton of what else went on.

I am living the starving college student ideal! I know I have said that before... but really... It has been stressful, and hard, but It's perfect! Being a truly poor college student isn't something you can fake, and it makes everything better.

I made friends! As I embark on Fall Semester 2009, I feel like I have some kind of home base here at Augsburg. I have people. I have people to spend time with, and to talk to. I really hope that it's not superficial.

I've Adventured!

I've made bad decisions.

I've learned stuff about myself that makes sense... even if it is a bit discouraging.

And now, I am ready to go back to Augsburg as it was last year. To take it back for what it really is. I can NOT wait to start my classes. My books look phenomenal, and I can't wait to start discussing them! AH!

14 Again

It really just happened by accident... This being 14 thing... It started when I got home and needed shoes.

I didn't pack shoes because I knew that I have a ton lying around here that would be snug but usable. So I dug. I dug through the Sketchers, the huge white Filas, and tattered Converse, until finally I found both of my hot pink laced black Etnies, Circa 2005. Begin transformation.

Step Two: I dug out my bright yellow Rex T-shirt That I haven't worn in years because I spilled wine on it.

Next Step: The Man Purse. The over-sized-for-practical-use, but perfect for my intentions, camoflaged, hand-decorated "purse" I bought from Target for $5 Circa 2006.

(((So maybe I'm more 15 again... which I don't mind... I loved that year)))

Optional Booster Course: The Pink, Leopard printed diary which starts in 2003. "No boy friends until AFTER 8th Grade!!!" Gosh Darn-it! "I don't like my friends!" "Donnie and I talked for THREE hours last night! :) :) " "OMG! Donnie talked for THREE WHOLE HOURS LAST NIGHT!" HAHAHA! I love this...

Current Phase: Today I am going cliff jumping with Ogilvie friends. The last time I went cliff jumping was in Canada with the Cramtons. Claire gave me her old pink swimsuit to use... again, this was 2006 at the latest. I will be using that same Swimsuit.

Most of the power is in the shoes for sure. Just like Cinderella (CURSE YOU GROVEN!)... Shoes are important. They are a part of your life for significant chunks. I remember buying those shoes, and how excited I was. I remember many adventures on which they accompanied me. When I was 16... 17... I cast them aside for the next new thing I thought I needed, while they still had life left in them!

So now I have a brand new pair of shoes, with only ONE little hole. They've been with me already, and they'll be with me again with new places to see and stories to tell.

I know that they are dorky, that they represent a part of me that wanted to fit in to the point of following fads... But I still like the shoes and that's part of what makes them so cool... Maybe it's symbolic of re-embracing my childhood for incorporation to today.

I am enjoying this.

Hopefully I will be able to make it through this week at this pace without inflicting serious damage on my soul.

TOM ROBBINS!

Me Time! :)

I am sitting with my back on the foot board, facing out towards I-94 and the parking lot tree.

I am in a good mood.

However, I leave for work at 2:00pm to embark on a 3 day streak, which I hope will be my last. Hooray! This means it is 9 days until the UpTown, and 12 days until I go home... but who's counting?

So, I haven't worked since last Wednesday, and the interim week has been one filled with glorious solitude. I've been playing my lovely, lovely, guitar, and have kind of learned "Both Hands" by Ani Di Franco, and I've worked through a few exercises in my Christopher Parkening Guitar Method book. Guitar- Check.

I've also been drawing pictures. Art-Check
Writing Letters. Writing- Check
Reading Tom Robbins and "Virginity Lost." Educational Reading- Check.
Watching That 70s Show. Mindless Self-Indulgence- Check.

Solitude wonderful solitude.

There has been a peppering of Social Interaction as well, added to taste. Yesterday, Colin, Paul and I did a double feature at the Edina Cinema. First we saw "Moon" by Duncan Jones, and then (after getting Sushi at Lunds) Saw "Tetro" by Francis Ford Coppola. Both amazed me, but I thought Tetro was magnificent.

*Shudder of delight*

I really don't know what else I can say beyond that I LOVE good films. GOOD you know? !!!! I love having Film Major friends...

Later that evening Colin and I planned out our next week, and filled it up with marvelous activities Ranging from New Brunswick Day to Harold and Maude at Midnight. Yes Sir.

Today is the last Soar Session. I administered Surveys like before, only this time with Ali. I loved it. I love seeing the new faces, and meeting new people, who will soon be my friends. I also love knowing that I might help someone's first year experience be at least a little more bearable. Corny, yes... but... I like helping. It feels good.

SO.
Right now is a happy time.
Still dreading work.

Soar and rampant optimism

I can't tell if I am comforted or frightened by the eagerness of my Type-A personality to kick in to school mode. It started yesterday when I was getting ready to go the the Auggie Town Play, and Ali sent me on a mission to print off some questionaires.

I ran to Foss, hurried down the steps, and signed into a computer. Then I rushed to find the right printer and set up, and printed off "60" (I think tons more actually printed) pages, and ran to Sateren for the play. The thrill that I got from doing a task within a time slot, and being rewarded with the smell of printer fresh paper was extraordinary! On top of that, I went to the play, and watched skits about studying, time management, relationships, and parents. It brought me right back, and I loved it.

Loved it loved it loved it.

But that's not all!

This morning I woke up early to fill in the questionaires at SOAR registration. I put my hair in a pony-tail, donned Auggie gear and bought myself a tasty coffee. Then for two hours, I put on a suit of caffeinated extroversion, and met a ton of brand new Auggies!

This is what reminds me what I am doing here. I love this. I love people, I love learning, so yeah, summer might be sucking, but it's all right, because in a few weeks, it will be academia again.

Also, it concerned me that all the new Auggies would replace me. The fear of an older sister expecting a new baby sibling... knowing that they won't be getting as much attention anymore with a new baby in the house... but I am even ok with that now after seeing the happy new Auggie faces that will soon become such a prominent visage (is that right?) of Augsburg.

And I'll still be the big sister.

Then... I showered, cleaned, AND VACUUMED, started laundry and ate a breakfast of my new favorite snack: Plain yogurt (the cow on the carton's name is Lily) Cherry Vanilla granola, and honey. I even took my vitamins.

I actually feel nourished and ready for the rest of the day... but I might take a nap. Fred and I are going to Como Zoo later.

Hooray!

Sweater Weather

It's Chilly.
Throwing me off into thinking that it's Autumn. That soon, every day will be a sweater day, and we will be eating our breakfasts over the morning newspaper before our morning classes.

I didn't get the BEST of this cold day because I didn't wear a heavy enough sweater, or shoes with socks. I feel like I let some of this rare chill go to waste.

The day itself was magnificent though. Mom called at around three twenty am, and told me that Dad was on his way and aiming for four. I got to the smoking bench at three fifty, and hopped in the white van when my dad got here at four fifteen. We then drove the hour and a half to Stockholm, Wisconsin to the Stockholm Arts Festival. It has been months, and I dare say even years since I have actually gone to an Art show. I miss it. I miss it very much. I think that some of this might just be nursing my nostalgia, but I do think that some of it might be genuine.

The Art world is a great one. To set up your booth, with your hand crafted wares for people from all over to buy is a great experience. The most rewarding. I think that if we were able to hit more art shows, we would be successful. I don't know why my parents don't do that anymore...

So today I volunteered myself. I proclaimed that next summer I will come home and work on learning to throw on the wheel. If I start practicing now it's possible that I will be able to put out basic mugs, plates and bowls to be decorated. Maybe I can even start decorating. Then I will be the roadie for all the shows that my dad WILL apply for. If they trust me, I think that I could be sent on road trips to Wisconsin, Illinois, Ohio and Michigan to work at art shows. It will be like old times, but I will be older and in charge. I want to be connected to that world, but I don't know if it's because I really want to or because I just want to be a kid again.

But if I do just want to be a kid again, what's so bad about that? I'll be a kid who does a little work to make money to get by. Isn't that everyone's dream?

And I fantasize about calling one of my close friends one day, and saying, "Hey You, are you up to anything two weeks from now? I have to do a show in Ohio, would you like to come along and help?" They would. Someone would have to from time to time, I don't think I could do it by myself, if simply because I am too short. Whatever the case, to be travelling around to art shows with my good friends sounds like a wonderful use of my time and energy.

Boston Mills, Ann Arbor, East Lansing, The Uptown... I will be a part of them once again.

Plus, I won't have to pay rent or worry too much about food all summer.

Right now it sounds ideal... but of course so did running away to Seattle last week.

I am interested to see how things turn out.

Hangin Out, Down the Street

It's Four in the morning, and I simply don't want to sleep. I am a bit unnerved because there isn't even the voice in the back of my head saying, "You should go to sleep!" Or any of that rubbish. It's four am, and I've been up since 8, with only a small nap before a grueling stretch at the Mall.

I just spent the last three hours watching That 70s Show episodes on line. I would still be watching them had they not stopped loading fast enough. ... I probably gave my computer a virus. Anyway, It was nice. It brought me back to high school without that painful twinge of nostalgia. It was GOOD nostalgia. I remember Alix talking about it behind me in class. She would talk about Jackie, and Hyde, and just how she was going to watch That 70s Show tonight.

I remember once, probably in small band, Betty said how they decided she was Jackie. She totally is. And in all her bitchiness, Jackie STILL reminds me of her.

Then, I don't even know when, but for a while my parents were big into it. For some reason they found the show hilarious, even my dad, so I got to watch it every night on barely viewable channel 29 without having to hide... until my dad lost interest, and my mother and I had to sneak episodes on the sly.

I remember having a HUGE crush on Eric Foreman. To me, he was the perfect boy friend. His and Donna's was the perfect relationship. Now, many years, and 5 first season episodes later... I am again in love with him. So in love that I sit at four in the morning enjoying the sweet sentimentality, while not yearning for days past.

*sigh

This blog is embarrassing.

Disney Lesbians

How come they don't have Soap Opera Resistence Education? "SORE." I am finding it to be just as harmful as drugs or alcohol... I mean really. My room mates have it worse than me. THEY are on the Fourth season, I am still on the second. They watch whole discs in one day... Seasons in weekends. It is NOT healthy.

I watch to keep up with my peers, but I only get angry.

The L Word Rant of the Day:

That artist girl sent Bette one of her blown glass mobiles. A blown glass mobile that took her a year to make. All right. Dramatic Scene: Bette opens up the box, and begins to slowly pull the BLOWN GLASS mobile out of the packing peanuts... one by one the orbs are exposed, and Bette looks on emotionally...

What's the big deal? You don't ship blown glass loosely in bloody packing peanuts! Each bauble would have to be wrapped in bubble wrap, placed in a box filled with peanuts and THEN placed in the big box full of packing peanuts. YOU DON'T NOT DOUBLE BOX FRAGILE ART! I even think that shipping companies require it! So there.

*deep breath

But what about the other things that The L Word portrays? VitaMN had an article about gay clubs in the Twin Cities, and had mentioned specifically cliques of "L word Lesbians." What is an L word Lesbian? They are upper class, successful, attractive, white, lesbians, and thusly not an accurate portrayal of lesbian culture.

Yes, they bring their lives into the forefront, making sexuality of all kinds comfortable and common place, but I am still reluctant to accept the show's view.

They do not have ANY straight friends. EVERYONE they run into is lesbigay. Everyone. It may be Los Angeles, but they are still a minority. For every gay friend they have, they should have 10 straight ones. Isn't that the statistic? Maybe they have just found their niche, their clique of friends, but there should be more straight people.

The only straight people that I have encountered now into the second season have been radical right wing extremists, closed minded straight moms, and Mark, Jenny and Shane's pervert room mate.

I don't agree with portraying homosexuality in a negative light, so it's good that the protagonists are strong, gay women. However, I also don't feel that means heterosexuals should be cast in a bad light either.

Also, I don't like the negative opinions of Jenny. Why do people hate her so much? Only being in the second season, I may not have had the most time to get to know her, but I remember hearing slighting comments mid way through the first season! She IS NOT a bad person. She makes tough decisions, and people get hurt... that HAPPENS. She's in her mid twenties, and going though a huge life transition. She can't be blamed for being confused! She's an artist, she's lost, she's "coming of age" and people hate her for it.

Not fair.

I question the Nutritional value of my Diet

Campbell's soup... Condensed. Questionable. Questionable and hot. Hot hot hot... Too hot for a day like this. Canned soup, cereal... yesterday I had a potato, and I don't know if potatoes are nutritious. Ice cream... um... more cereal... I did have a bunch of carrots yesterday. They must be good.

I am dehydrated. Because I am dehydrated, I am crabby... And because I am crabby, I am too prissy to drink water that has not been refrigerated... and because I have not drunk water, I am dehydrated.

I went into this blog with plan... I no longer have that plan.

Well. Today is Saturday. The sun is shining brilliantly, and outside looks marvelous. It is probably cooler out there than it is in here, but I lack the ambition to move. So I sit in my room, with a fan, and Pandora set on Beethoven Radio. I thought I wanted Angsty Punk rock radio, but that was before I opened Pandora. It was already on Beethoven radio, and then I realized that angsty punk rock would probably not bode well on my dehydrated state of snippy.

Maybe after I get water.

I think Fred is in Chicago.

I woke up this morning a bit before 10. Marrta's home again. I checked my Augnet, and discovered that the book Visser ordered for me when I was at Hamline came in already, so I went to the library to get it. V for Vendetta. I have already read a lot, and I may finish this weekend, if not today. So far it is already creeping in amongst my favorites.

Then I cleaned. It was not fun, but it is nice.

Now, I wait in the heat until 6. At that time I will begin my walk to the train station to get to Down town for Alan's birthday.

This day is not like other days... It feels off. I like it.

This month I learned...

After scrambling to cover my tail, I here by resolve to be financially responsible. You know that "Transaction Register" they give you with your check book? I am going to USE it. Even when I use my check CARD. I know it's a wild prospect, but it will be good to me. It's not even noon yet, and I already feel like I accomplished enough for the day... So that means I can draw pictures, and play my trumpet, free of guilt before I go in to WORK TRAINING!

Gee Whiz... Life sure is coming together. It only took me ... a little more than a month of summer apartment living to figure it out. Let's reflect on what I have learned:

• I have learned how to do my dishes after I make them dirty
• I have learned how to live with people without conflict, and only a little awkward
• I have learned what it really is like to have NO money
• I have learned how to apply for real jobs, with real applications
  
• I have learned that I can not be a political canvasser, even if it means my rent is paid
• I have learned how wonderful it feels to be EMPLOYED
  
• I have learned the importance of being financially responsible

Most of my lessons in this blog are financial, but that is important. One of those big deals they always talk about in college prep seminars. Again, I am glad my parents raised me the way they did. I am glad that I am learning these lessons on my own, as Lily Morris. Lots of things are making sense.

No clever titles today

I love coming on to the welcome page and seeing that even though it's summer, Auggie Bloggers keep on posting!

I guess it becomes habit.

I had a fun day yesterday. After reading a chapter of Watchmen (I am SO close to being finished) I finally went out to our garden plot and had a look. While most of the plots are all nice, square and filled with yummy compost, our plot is an open spot of dirt. Packed dirt. I went at it with a hoe yesterday until I realized that my efforts were futile. When Fred gets back today, he can use a shovel and really make it functional. Perhaps I can wear real shoes and use a shovel too! Then we can haul some compost, and PLANT THINGS! It would be great to get them in before I go to Michigan.

By the time I gave up in the garden I had blisters on each of my hands.

Earlier, I had texted Ali in an attempt to play some tennis, but she had a class and couldn't. So I consorted the enemy.

Though it is Ali and my quest to challenge and defeat the team of Smith-Stanhill in doubles... I contacted Colin, and he was more than willing to play. We must have played for about an hour, without keeping track of score or anything. I am pretty bad because I haven't played in a very long time. I will get better though.

Today I am sore.

After tennis, I made myself a small dinner. Colin called me and invited me to dinner with him and Fred at his dad's house. Keith Stanhill is a great cook and awesome person. I have only had the opportunity to spend time with him 3 times, and now he's moving to Arizona. I am not the only one who is going to miss him a lot though.

While Colin and I waited for Fred to get off of work, we wandered around outside, and wished we had a scrabble board. Then I accidently exploded a water balloon on Kathleen. Oops.

So yesterday was full and wonderful. Today I get to play tennis with Ali for real! And then I have a job interview at the mall. Cross your fingers. When I get back, Marrta and I are going grocery shopping, and then we're going to a war protest on Lake Street.

More unemployment. More Free time...

Another day... this time it is morning, and I am sitting alone in the dark. Again. Disinterested? My options really are endless, but my motivation is waning.

1) Read the last three chapters of Watchmen
Write about it in my Book Lust Journal
2) Read a chapter or so in The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, because it's good
3) Go to the bookstore and buy colored pencils so I can draw a picture of something pretty
4) Do Laundry
5) Organize the top of my dresser
6) Write a letter
7) Go for a walk
8) Take some pictures.

Actually... This inspires me to cross something off of my Summer list.

Which I can't find... Oh well. Later.

Soon. I will accomplish something.

For now... I am going to get dressed.

The Auggie Days of Summer

Well Summer, you have arrived. With calendars reading "June First" there is no doubting your prescence. I am full of youth, and jubilance in the best possible season... and I am sitting in my pjs... alone... blogging at 7 in the evening.

I might eat a salad, but I know it's just boredom hunger. I will do my best to resist a box of macaroni and cheese. Today alone I have already killed a box of cereal and treated myself to a Pandabowl at lunch. Ah yes... Summer.

Kathleen's at work, Marrta has friends, Anna is sick and Lily... is suffering from boredom hunger. Really? Is that all my life is about? Read a book... draw a picture... stop whining!

Anyway... I have been pretty... sorta... busy in my job hunt. I have to be else I continue to face the scrutiny and judgment of my hard working room mates. Maybe they aren't actually judging me, but I still feel like a bum. Plus, having a job will not only put money in my empty pockets and bank accounts, but it will get me OUT OF THIS PLACE. I am still in the dissonant move in phase. I don't belong here. I am not welcome. I am an intruder and a hindrance. Mostly, I know that much of this is all in my head, but none the less, it is still an issue.

At night as I fall asleep, I dream of having my own apartment. Living ALONE and reclusive. Ah Yes! The glory of it! My own food, my own piles of laundry and dirty dishes, my own time, my own SPACE to do with whatever the hell I please. Mine.

The power to choose who visits for how long. Friends for Friend's sake! My own bloody life.

Of course, this dream is probably not realistic for a few more years. If I am lucky, I can get a studio apartment in Luther when I am a senior. After that, I am going to be poor and will probably have to shack up with room mates anyway... My plight is futile.

It will be better when I have a job. There are a lot of custodial positions available at Nickelodeon Universe, and on Wednesday, I have an interview for one of them. Both Marrta and Kathleen said something along the lines of, "Eeew," but I think it would be wonderful. Certainly not as fun and interactive as a ride attendant or something, but possibly perfect for me and my current interpersonal mood. (Thankyou Fund for the Public Interest for ruining me). I will have my job, and my tasks, which I will do, and get paid! Hooray! Minimal human contact. PLUS, I would get to go on rides for free when I wasn't working, and get something like 30% off at Caribou. As long as I don't have to clean up that much puke, it's ideal.

So... I thought canvassing would be ideal. Oops.

My name is also in at Seward Co-op, which would be close and hip, and if all else fails, my dad will hire me to do shop work for a couple weeks. I will prevail.

I hope to resist this Mac and Cheese urge a bit longer. Then I hope that Colin will rescue from my boredom with the wherabouts of a MOVIE NIGHT! HAHAHAHAHA!

Too much for words...

My Oh My!

School's done, Romania, a week in Ogilvie...

It would be impossible to convey even a portion of the excitement I have been feeling.

Many things make me happy.

I am happy.

Happy Happy Happy.

One week ago, I woke up in Bucharest.

Now I am back here, and fully enjoying myself, while missing Augsburg. Actually, I am exhausted with too many social engagements. Not that the engagements haven't been awesome, because they have been... I just need to chill.

Here's dad to pick me up. More later?

One Year Older

Nineteen Years ago Today...

It is an absolutely perfect day for a birthday... But I am inside.

Perfect.

My Birthday celebrations began EARLY this morning at Keith's - which was a great success. I went to bed really late, and slept until Noon. Now I am eating my birthday lunch of day old Jimmy John's bread, BBQ chips and Root beer. I really don't think there would be a better way to celebrate. No where else I'd rather be at least.

I have so much to do between now and tomorrow, but by tomorrow, I will be on a plane across the sea.

My root beer is gone...

Finals week was an exciting one... not all positive, but now, it is all done, and it is summer. I am here, on this deserted campus... all mine. It is so quiet.

Besides laundry and packing I am going to read some books, hang out with friends, and enjoy this lovely day. One day closer to being a "grown-up" whatever that means. Almost two decades...

That reminds me of a ponder I had yesterday. Yesterday with Fred and Colin I thought about how last year I had no idea what I would be doing for my 19th birthday, and how I never could have imagined it accurately. What did I do for my 18th birthday? I don't even remember. All I recall is being excited to sign legal documents. I will remember this one.

There's a pretty Pidgeon outside

I am in a pink mood, but they don't have any good pinks to choose from. Purple will have to do.

I have 20 minutes before I have to go to the band room, and 20 minutes isn't enough time to do anything productive... so I am blogging because that isn't entirely a waste of time.

This morning, I did stare out of the window for a very long time, but other than that, I am feeling quite productive. I studied the first few chapters for the writing quiz that is tomorrow, practiced my trumpet (if only for 20 minutes) and figured out a strong thesis to base Women's Studies paper three on. That paper needs to be finished tonight, and I also need to be confident with my knowledge for the writing quiz. Other than that, if I can accomplish those TWO things I will feel ok with myself.

I am going to need to get going on that History paper again, this time sorting the reading into a list. That will be tedious and difficult because there are many readings that I didn't finish. By Friday I want to have all the information sorted into an outline, so on Saturday I can type the paper.

I don't feel bad about boring you with my planning. It is helpful to me to share it... it's here or my Mom, and I think she's getting annoyed with it all.

So, the task set before me today is manageable. There is still plenty to do.

Time is going TOO FAST! So fast that Mother Nature is telling it to SLOOOOW DOOOOWNNN... tee hee.

Jenny, Nicole and I just met for our Women's studies project. It is going to be interesting to see that come to fruition... luckily it is our last final... hopefully that's lucky.

Last night, I read 100 pages of Choke, which forces me to wonder, "How come I have time for leisure reading NOW?" Not only that, but I was also invited to watch a movie... I turned down the offer, and was quite sad. On the upside of that exchange, I got a full night's rest.

Another thing on my mind is my new job. As it looms closer, I just get more and more frightened, mostly because 2-10 are the best hours of the day... those are 8 hours that I will not get to share with my friends... I'll probably compensate AFTERWARD, which means that I will sleep through most of the morning, to get up in time to go to work again. NOT an appealing proposition.

Or I could love it.

First Year is a State of Mind

I didn't blog much last week.

It's past my bed time on Monday night, and I am in the Laundry room waiting for my clothes to dry. Marrta was going to come down here too, but I guess the defense meeting went longer than expected. I bet she is absolutely thrilled.

Our case is done, but I think at this point I would have really stopped caring.

Because I have so much to do, I have been slowly chipping away at it all. I read tomorrow's Women's Studies, typed half a lousy paper, and continued to list things from my History Notes. Tomorrow is already Tuesday. ... If I keep a good pace, and don't let laziness have its way I will be all right... If I do succumb to such evil habits, then I might not get out of this unscathed.

I am not worrying though.

The year is coming to a close, and I am in a very good place. I've come a long way since this time last year. This last weekend was the State Speech Tournament, meaning that it was one year ago, that I was there. That I met Josh. I like to have a reference like that, because it makes it all easier to be put in perspective.

In my insecurity, I lamented at being a first year, and I was told that First year is a state of mind. I feel that I will forever be full of wonder and awe at being here. I hope that the world to me will keep its sense of newness, but is that what distinguishes First Year status?

I guess not.

Again, may I emphasize that this weekend was amazing. Finally a weekend worth remembering. Worth sharing. A far cry from sleeping till noon because there's nothing else to do, and whining about homework the rest of the time.

Last weekend was really good too... but for different reasons.

I am coming out of my shell. Shedding my skin. "Becoming who I am..." I know that I still have a long way to go, but at least now I am accepting my own ways of dealing with things. My next step is to lose this mystery insecurity.

Saturday night, We finally got to shoot the quote for Colin's documentary... and now as I look back and analyze it, I find a dozen ways to have done it better... but that's in the past. Later, I went with that group to the Best Worst Movie at the Uptown Theater: a midnight showing of Troll 2. Featuring not a single Troll! (Even better, Goblins that turn you into plants so as to EAT YOU!)

In place of Trolls, it featured some steamy corn and a double decker bologna sandwich of DOOM.

When the film was done, there was a game of Plinko Apocalypse, and Fred won a bottle of cleaner. None of us were left out though, because as we left we ALL got prizes. I got an AWESOME plastic Stegosaurus that I am very proud of.

I love sleeping in until noon after earned it the night before.

Today, I plunged into the final real Monday of the Semester. Final. As mentioned before, I have a lot to accomplish, but I have every intention of doing it all. Then finals. Then ROMANIA!

CENTRAL LIBRARY!

I am coming off of a great day. Yesterday was amazing.

And today shows such wonderful outcomes as well.

Yesterday, I decided that I should go to the Central Library, and asked Visser if she was down. She was, so this morning when I got up, I dressed and took the train to Nicollet Ave. Visser took the bus from Hamline, so I got here earlier. I went to Target and bought a camera to take pictures in Romania. It is my first digital camera, and though I should not love possessions, I am very happy about it. I can't wait to start thoroughly documenting my life.

Visser and I have been here for a few hours. At first we sat among the geneaology shelves looking up Brittish Lords and talking, then we got food. We ate out in front of the Library and people watched from a new angle.

I got some History planning done, but I still have a lot to do. I was going to read Women's studies, but the internet was more appealing.

Visser is leaving, so I am leaving too.

Life is Grand.

Six Degrees

Yeah, so I am killing time.

I am in the library, and I just re printed all of the history readings that I had, but got jumbled. My next step is to put them in my folder, and start re-highlighting, re-reading, and in some cases reading what I never got to before.

I have a killer stomach ache, and I am blaming the hot chocolate, because I think this has happened before. Jw told me to lay on my side, but I can't, because I am in the library.

There are less than forty minutes before I have to go to class, and like always, I am unsure of what's due for Writing. I am hoping that my final draft isn't due, because it's still pretty rough. Too bad I never make time to edit things.

Finals are fast approaching, and though they are not upon me yet, I am trying to work up some of the panic that I should be feeling in a week or so. Feel the panic now, so it won't be as horrible when it really is panic time. More advice from that book that Hank gave me. ... I forgot the title. I will post it later and recommend that EVERY soon to be first year read it.

I should at least work on that grammatical error sheet... I like grammar.

For writing, I wrote about Marching band, and how little decisions 5 years ago have directly influenced where I am now. That got me to thinking what the decisions I am making now will have to do with the next 5 years. Then, when I was talking to my mom last night, I got to thinking about Six Degrees of Separation, and how crazy it is that 6 degrees is almost too much! For example: Honors Eric, complete stranger 7 months ago, yet he was from Howard Lake Waverly and (probably) knew Jackie, who I roomed with at the 2004(5?) FFA convention. Or Anna from my floor, also a complete stranger, separated by one degree through Anna Fox. Yeah. Isn't that cool?

Link that to the last 5 years, and think about how many degrees will be significant in the future!
!

I really LOVE Mondays. For real.

I was extremely crazy happy earlier today, and last night too, but now I am just tired.

I will take a nap before Kathleen and I have our study party.

Two weeks left. I spent today being really productive, and still have some work to do. My trumpet Jury is coming up, and I have not practiced.

I love my trumpet so much, and I love music, and I love band... so why don't I practice?

I love watching people outside my window. I am really bummed that I won't have this view much longer. Yesterday I watched a couple say good bye very passionately for a good 10 minutes. Call me a creeper, but I thought it was cute. Besides, they were making out in front of my window, you can't blame me because it was their fault. Then later that night I watched Tad and Lauren play frisbee. This is the neatest time of day, when the sun is starting to go down, but it is still plenty warm. I wish I was out playing.

The date for the Beet Fest is officially set. I am extremely excited, and Kathleen gets to go too, which will make it that much better. The invite went out on Facebook and the description sounds AMAZING! Alan says it's the high light of his summer. The wait is agonizing.

I've been thinking of my job a lot... I am getting nervous again. At least now I HAVE the job, and like Mom said, if I hate it, it's just three months and I never have to do it again. "Just three months." Wow. But what if it's really scary?

I ate dinner with Kevin, even though he didn't wait for me, and after cracking two "That's what she saids" in a row, I challenged him to make none of them, or "your mom's" until next week. He doesn't really have to do it, because it's not like I can keep a monitor on him, but it will be a lesson.

Personally, I find those jokes degrading, insulting and embarrassing. Plus, they do nothing to move a good conversation forward. Admittedly, I have heard some good ones, but unless it's REALLY good, and you're not in the middle of a serious conversation, don't do it!

Late Morning. Happy Easter.

Easter Morning.
I got out of bed an hour ago, and that was after Kathleen kicked me out at 7:30 so she could sleep on her own bed. I feel bad now.

Last night, Kathleen, Lauren and I got all dressed up and went to Too Much Love with Jared. I have repeatedly turned down offers to go there from Jenny and Ben, but I went this time because Lauren is here. I can't say that I didn't enjoy myself, but ... I don't know. I guess I still need to figure out some of it's appeal.

Today, I think I am going to finish Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas, or at least get close (Then I can start Choke!) Later today the three of us are going to Minnehaha Park, which is cool because I have never been there before. I don't know what else we are doing today, homework time hopefully. I have been working on my Narrative paper for a few days now, and I don't know where I'm going with it. So far I have established the awkwardness that was the first day of Marching Band Practice, but where to?

I think I want to use Marty as a tie in to my future. Without Marching Band, would I have still ended up here? And had I not met Marty, would I know Alan? If I didn't know Alan, would I know Ali, Mitch, Zeb and company?

See, it's a pretty big deal, I just don't know how to make it all fit together.

I don't like Narrow Stairs as much as I like Plans... maybe it's because I ripped this one second.

I am dreaming

Happy:

M&Ms
Online Streaming of KVSC 88.1fm
Knowing that I will not have to work at a restaurant this summer.

I had my job interview today. Last week I talked to Cacy about my summer job dilemma, and the other issues surrounding staying on campus. She suggested that I search non-profit jobs, so I did. One near the top was the Fund for the public Interest. I investigated. It's a non profit campaign organization that works with other groups like the Sierra Club and the Campaign for Human Rights. I applied, and began dreaming of the possibilities... then I read the responsibilities and got intimidated. I accepted that even if I got the job, I wouldn't have to take it if it didn't feel right. Until I hopped on Marrta's bike with my sunglasses and rolled up pants.

I got to Dinky town in 15 minutes, cruising down the bike lanes like nothing. Since I left at 10, I got there plenty early, and hung out in a waiting room. The building looks like it could have been around in the 60s, or even earlier. The walls are off white, and all the doors are wooden with simple door knobs. As I sat in the waiting room with the vending machines, I pretended it was 1972. A little before eleven, I found the room I was supposed to go to, and listened to the main guy's spiel about the program. Then I filled out the application form and waited to be interviewed.

In the interview, I told him about my experience with the Tim Faust Campaign, and like nothing, he told me to show up on May 25th. Just like that. The job almost sounds too good to be true. Phone banking and door knocking, decent pay, a great cause and like minded people? Am I dreaming? Are you telling me that I get to live in Minneapolis, Minnesota, in an apartment with 3 other amazing people, reading and drawing, riding my bike to work at the U and make money to support myself and pay for college?

Growing up is starting to look a lot better.

No restaurants.
And the resume! How great will this be when I apply for real jobs in the real world?

Kathleen and I are taking Lauren to the Mall later, and then I am going to be pretentious with Fred.

As for now?
Guess what.
I am going to do homework!

EASTER BREAK

It is such a beautiful day out there! I can hear the shouts of glee and laughter over in Murphey park... and I have to go to the mall. Granted, it will be a fun adventure to analyze the portrayal of race, gender, sex and body image, but I could be outside playing catch.

I really want to play catch.

Today is Thursday, but really it's a Friday, because we don't have school tomorrow, and LAUREN is coming tonight. I am really excited to see her again, and it means that we get to live up City Life in the fullest... Even if that means going to Too Much Love to be bombarded by smells and creepers. Heh.

Tomorrow morning I have a job interview, and I SHOULD spend the rest of the weekend getting things done, but I say that every Friday.

Faye and company sent me jelly beans and ladybug shaped chocolates. They are SO cool. :) My family. And the chocolates.

Maybe Claire can visit this summer...

I have been really happy lately, and other than that I really don't have much to report. Hail Weekend!

Fever!

I got a fever! (harmon mute) buh dum buh daaah DAHT!

(My attempt to express Gospel Praise...)

The fever I have is of the Spring variety.

I am in such a manic great mood, it's kind of worrisome.

Finally, the sun is out!

My window is open, the blind drawn up, my little Jade plan sitting happily in the light...

:)

I gave a residence hall tour today for Sneak Preview. I don't get to do one tomorrow, and that makes me sad... I got to see inside of Oren! Wow. My mind is blown. SO PRETTY! ... High Ceilings and automatic lights. I need to make a friend who lives there.

Accepting applications...

I frolicked back from OGC, hugged two trees, and then checked to see if I could see through my window from Murphey Park. I couldn't. All is well.

I saw Anna at OGC too, and she needed a room mate for summer, so I said she could live with Marrta, Kathleen and me. It should be cool. Tonight we are getting together to discuss housing, and then we are finalizing it all tomorrow. ! WOAH!

One of the Non-Profit Org Jobs that I applied for emailed me back, and told me to call.
My phone is still at Hamline.

We need to write a paper tonight too, but until then, Iam going to stay here in Paul's sweatpants rocking out to Death Cab for Cutie (which really is as cool as everyone says.) Hooray!

Workin' for the Man

I spent two hours at the Mall of America today. After arriving via light rail, I went to Panda Express to feed myself, because I knew that the task at hand would not be handled well on an empty stomach... Then I embarked.

I started on the 3rd floor, hitting Bubba Gump's, Kokomos, and the other sit down eateries, from there I worked my way all the way down to the first floor, finally hitting Barnes and Noble. The application to the Rainforest Cafe had to be done in the store, so I had to sit at the bar to fill it out. There was some information I didn't know... so I just gave it to them as it was. They will call me... If I worked there, I would have to deal with a lot of children. Children and restaurants don't really mesh.

The ones I am really hoping for are Bubba Gumps, Famous Daves, Tucci Balucci (?) or Kokomos, but I also applied to the Napa Valley something or other, where I will have to take a quiz testing my knowledge of margaritas, and Twin City Grill, which was also dark and foreboding. There's a chance that no one will call me back... and then? Tough Titties.

On Friday night, I went home with Marrta after the Wild pep band. We ate, slept, and woke up to go to breakfast with her family. Then, after I got back to Augsburg, I met up with Anna and her mom to go to the track meet at Hamline. I texted Visser saying, "WOAH! I am at Hamline!" and she told me that she and Aubrey were going back to Ogilvie to see the play, and that I could come with! So after the meet, I met up with Visser and Aubrey and got in the car to go HOME! I got to go home after all. I got to see the play!

Ms. Swenson Directed it, even though she claimed that Annie Get Your Gun was her last show... 3 years ago. This year it was Joseph and the Amazing Technicolored Dreamcoat. I could tell that she directed, and that she got a huge kick out of it. Of course it was just a high school musical; no one dared get TOO into it else they look dumb. In other words, it could have been much better. The show itself was really fun, with bright awesome colors, and silly songs. Alex Carda played a rockin' pharaoh, and the little pit band will grow up to do great things now that the trifecta of geekdom has gone away (Lily, Sara, Nicole.)

And... Dare I mention it? Dare I be bold and admit to having a crush? Yes. I so dare.

The lead (who happened to be prancing around half naked for the majority of the show wearing a wavy brown wig) was the boy who's charm captivated my interests to a painful degree for at least three months of my Senior year. Pretty much all of the Musical until I met Josh... It didn't help to see him now, as I am reminded WHY he so captivated me... *sigh...

I am a tough girl. I will get through this trying time...

Otherwise, it was great to get home, and see some old friends and teachers. It was also beneficial for me to reconnect with the earth and my parents. Going home this time solidified my decision to stay on campus over the summer. I have out grown my Ogilvie home, but it will still be there whenever I need it.

But, because that decision is final, I will NEED a job no matter what. Hence my mall trick-or-treating extravaganza this afternoon. Wish me luck.

Gray areas of lifetimes

All of this responsible adult-ness is starting to get to me...

I mean really... Taxes? Insurance? Finding Employment? Not going home for the summer?

It's a lot to take in, and I am growing more and more apprehensive each day. Less and less like the kid I feel I should still be. Independence.

All my life people have described me as an independent person, and I guess I always have been... BUT... I have never had to actually use it.

Now that I am staying here over the summer I really am what I own.

Only one month left in Urness... this is it. I've been here 7 months. Seven solid months of my life have been centered around the room that I am sitting in right now.

I am going to miss my view of Murphey Park.

Ugh... I don't want to think about this much anymore.

I am going to miss Kanebec County. I am going to miss the gravel roads, that when I visit will still be there, but won't be the setting of my narrative anymore. They won't be mine. I am going to miss the woods between the house and the shop. I am going to miss each tree I pass on the trail. I will miss the old trailer, and the yard with the trees I used to climb in. The picnic table. The lilac bush that was planted when I came home from the hospital. The radio station with its smell, and sounds. The studio where I have shared joy, and shed tears. My family and pets. The people who have always been there.

This is what I think about, and start doubting... but I will make the right decision. I know that is true... and I know that that decision is to stay...

But I don't want to grow up. I don't want to finish this chapter. At first I thought that High School Graduation was the end of an era; the closing of Act One; the final page... but I see now that it wasn't. I can look at it like a historian, like Adamo's lecture, "Modern or Medieval?"

What distinguishes the line between child and teenager? Can I block it off and say, "Childhood: C. 1990-2003 Adolescence: 2003-2008, Adulthood: 2008-." No... it can't be defined. Did I become a teenager when I hit puberty? When I turned 13? When I started 9th grade? After the first Marching Band practice? Was adulthood defined by my 18th birthday as it is legally? Was it after the State Speech tournament? Was it Josh? Was it after the last parade? The first day in my dorm? The first day of class? Was it filing my taxes? Or will it be summer?

I wish it was defined so I could have prepared better.

Hi!... How are you?

I am growing irked with this question. It's a down side of going to a college where you know everyone. When you are walking to class, and you feel like shit because everything sucks, and a friend of yours in passing greets you with, "How are you?" the automatic default reply is, "Pretty good!" Often accompanied with a smile... even though it's all a lie.

Of course, it would be very inappropriate to respond with, "FML" "Awful" "Depressed" or "Lousy"... or even, "Meh" because all of those responses require an explanation... which I guess is exactly what you WANT to give... but you can't because the asker of the question is on their way to do something else and really don't want to be bombarded with your issues...

"Hey Lily! How are you?"
"Pretty bummed, though I am starting to feel a little better."
"Oh, that's too bad. I am glad you are feeling better. What's up?"
"Well, I am just pretty stressed, and overwhelmed with everything that is going to happen in the next four weeks. Not to mention what's going to happen AFTER that. I don't know if I should stay here, work, and live in Mort while possibly getting a swanky waitressing job, or if I should go home to Ogilvie where I can recouperate for three months, work some low pressure jobs and read books, but risk getting terribly lonely. I mean, I WANT to go home because I miss my family, and I need the time to relax... but I could do that in a week... Three months? I'll go crazy! But if I stay here, I won't have SUMMER in the sense that I am used to... I'll have Minneapolis, but none of the fun and family that I think I need... And I think I would still end up being lonely... shit... I am lonely NOW and I am surrounded with people. Suddenly I am disillusioned with all the prospects of college, and new people, and I find myself isolated and alone. Plus, I don't like putting myself out there because that is really draining, and oftentimes feel violated afterwards... but if I don't then I kick myself for letting possible friendships float past... And, I'll deny ever saying this, but I think I want a boyfriend... or just SOMEONE that I can be close to. Ugh. Now I have papers to write, passive voices to kill, laundry to do, Women's Studies to read, minutes to type, court cases to plan, with a day that won't be done until at least midnight, and fatigue that has been eating me since I woke up... What should I do?"
"Well, I think you should listen to the Shins, drink some Sobe, take a deep breath and start plugging. It's like your Mom said, 'you stay up all night playing DnD, you should have no problem staying up to get things done. Buckle down and get on it!'"

So that's what I'm doing. I just drank HALF a can of Sobe. Hopefully that will give me enough power to get a paper done, without the side effects that include 3am sobbing and leg shaving. Sweet Sweet elixer of life.

Earlier when I was tired I pretended it was because I went to a mid-night showing of a good movie the night before. That's one of my FAVORITE feelings. I felt the exhaustion throughout my body, but I accepted that I had to embrace it rather than fight it... it worked.

I also just dug myself out of my desk, and that really isn't an exaggeration. I couldn't see it... so I took out a cardboard box and started putting books in it, so I could move other things onto my shelves... from there, my desk underwent an entire remodeling. I am glad that I did. It's a proper workspace now. Proper enough. I'll move onto my closet next.

Juve brought my charger back, so I have a phone again. This was a very educational weekend.

And now I am listening to the Death Cab for Cutie album that Kathleen burned for me. It's proving to be very helpful to my mood.

So things aren't too bad. Not one at a time. Right?
Right.

Alone in the now darkened Honors Suite

Bright Side: I finished my paper
Down Side: I drank a whole can of Sobe Adrenaline Rush, am now wired, and the paper wasn't even that good.

So now I am still kind of emo... awake... and scared to walk back to Urness in the dark. Note that this is based on my general fear of the dark, and not Augsburg in particular.

My Caffeine buzz is one that leaves me wide awake and MOTIVATED, but unwilling to actually DO anything.

Hesser Firm worked out our charges tonight. We pretty much rock.

I also went to Hard Times with Student Government. Glad I went, though it was awkward consumer of time.

Before that I had to go to a leadership thing. Yawn.

I am sick of being half-shy.

I decided to share my mosaic. This was one of those chain things that went around on Facebook. I thought it was fun. Top left to right: The Lily is what I got when I typed my name into Google, My favorite food: pesto Raviolli-home made like at Sid's, Ogilvie, My home town. Second row: Favorite color-Red, Movie-Forrest Gump, Drink-Cherry Limeade Third: Dream Vacation: Australia, Dessert: Ice Cream Sundaes, One word to describe myself: Over worked. Fourth: How I felt (at the time): Relaxed, what I love more than anything in the world: Nature What I want to be when I grow up: Lawyer.

The end.

Auggies are Angsty

I feel like I have to fill this text box with,
"Professor So-and-So,
I am very sorry for missing my interview... or... I apologize for completely forgetting to write a paper... please have pity on me.
Thank You for your understanding,
Lily Morris."

Today, I admit was a fruitful one. I sent out many important e-mails like the one above, I paid for some tuition, paid this month's phone bill, mailed my insurance application, and an application to Sportsman's Cafe, sent a card to Amnesty international, finished the Picture of Dorian Gray, called my parents, and remembered to eat vegetables at dinner.

Today was in fact, a good day.

I woke up feeling lousy, because I went to bed feeling lousy. Due to the adverse effects of caffeine and estrogen, I found myself lying awake near midnight after already drawing in my sketchbook, venting to my Mom, and writing in wild cursive with green ink in my journal... I could have blogged then, but I was too tired to pull myself out of bed, and I knew that the blog would not be a happy one.

I almost finished Dorian Gray before Women's Studies, and when I got there, Jenny gave me a mountain Dew... and lamented at not finishing her paper.

What paper?

Women's Studies, it's due today.

Oh.

I drank the Mountain Dew... drowning my suffering... knowing very well that it was caffeine that caused my sorrows the night before.

After class, I stopped by the Cafeteria to meet Kathleen. Now, this will sound unbelievably sappy, but once I talked to her, life felt all right. We then went to an intellectually stimulating writing class.

Letters was canceled, so we went to the bank. I got some other business done and went to Jazz band.

Kevin didn't wait for me at dinner yesterday, so I rebelled and went up with Fred and Marty. By this time I was feeling quite cheerful, and we talked about pro-wrestling and literature... until certain outside factors killed all signs of conversational life.

Since then, I have been diligently working... though I some how only managed to get three essays read, and one paragraph typed. At least I have a plan... and a lot of free time tomorrow...

So, the angst has passed. Again, I am caffeinated, and enthralled with life... but I am going to air my grievances:

*It is springtime... love is in the air... When I am not focusing my energies towards staunch asexuality, I am being bombarded by the romances of others, and ignored by those who I have somehow managed to fancy. (Don't jump to any conclusions!)

*Women's Studies readings that make me feel sorry for their authors... and then make me mad for feeling sorry for them because they're just whining and judging anyway! I am also sick of being attacked by these essays for being white. Curse the whites! They all love to trod upon those they find inferior to themselves! Buh wahahaa! ... I love Women's Studies. I love analyzing social circumstances. I love debating the implications of race and gender, and discussing ways to reach equality... but last night I was in no condition to be defensive.

*I've barely scratched the surface of the Senate notes... FROM TWO WEEKS AGO!

*The buildings are starting to get really, really hot. ... Sticky, warm, hot... the hot that hits you in waves and forces you to peel off layers exposing unacceptable sweat (A completely natural biological function.) When you're not too hot, you're too cold... because you're outside... or because you opened your window to air out your room...

*...THAT SMELLS! Oh how it smells! Foul... dank... like a grizzly bear's den after his long hibernation. I can't escape it... And I am forced to return to that place...

Hamlet's "Sordid sheets" are brought to mind...
... but they're not my sheets... and I am not adulterous...

All that aside, I am feeling full of love. Love that is in no way physical, and attached to the senses, that will fade when the senses die...
... Oscar Wilde my love... forgive me for misquoting you... at least I got the point across.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

Fame

I was just on Yahoo! and there was an ad for credit scores or something. It was using the image of George Washington... and I got to thinking.

Many people want to be famous, but did George Washington want that? Was he a kid my age thinking to himself, "Golly-gee, I sure hope that I can be famous some day." No. At least I don't think so. He just had goals for himself, and was in the right place at the right time. It is selfish to aspire to fame and fame alone.

Someday, if I keep to my own goals, if I graduate with a degree in History, go on to Law, get involved in politics, then maybe my image will be recognized... or maybe it won't... or maybe I will decide that I don't want to go into law or politics, that I want to marry a glass blower and live on a commune... So what?

Ok... So I still have a hard time accepting my unfame... but... whatever.

Today is our last day in Nebraska. I don't like it. While I am looking forward to getting back to school, where I have motivation and can get things done, it has been far too nice out here.

We get to see the play today. Finally! after all this anticipation. I am looking forward to it, though word on the street is that it's not their best work. We'll have to see for ourselves.

Ribs!!!

I had ribs for lunch today. Kathleen, Lauren and I went to Whiskey Creek, and it was delicious. I also got a sweet potato which was fantastic.

Last night we wasted 7 hours. After dinner we watched TransAmerica. We liked it, and then... I spent about an hour trying to find an Oregon Trail Deluxe emulator, but only got the original... Kathleen and Tad Drowned, and I think I got Typhoid. Someday, I guess I will have to buy the Deluxe version for my computer, then it will be just like my young days when Ashley and I played it over and over and over...

Then I chatted on Facebook, and eventually watched the last half of Jesus Camp with Kathleen on her computer, and the first part of "Because the Bible tells me so" which was a documentary on homosexuality and Christianity.

It made me quite upset.

Today we got up earlyish and ran errands. I bought ANOTHER Tom Robbins book. "Wild Ducks Flying Backward." I hope it isn't possible to read too much Tom Robbins. It would be awful to start hating him. Awful. I also hope that Kathleen enjoys him. It would be ever so embarrassing.

Now we are watching Sonny with James Franco in it. He is a very good looking man.

Hooray!

Hail Nebraska

Look at me! 3:24 in the AM. I am awake. Awake. Alert. Caffeinated.

I think I am redeveloping my sensitivity to Caffeine. Perfect timing eh? 7 months into my college career... or maybe it is just allergies... but that means that I have allergies... ugh.

Well, I am in Nebraska! I have been since Friday. Kathleen, Tad and I left after our classes around twelve thirty, and drove 7 hours out here. Since then we have been eating GOOD food, and hanging out with cool people, and having an all around GREAT time.

We went to the Omaha Zoo on Saturday, and I wish I would have blogged about that earlier, because now, at this hour, and this state of mind, all I can think of to say is that, "it was cool." My favorite parts were the Tapirs, and the QUOKKAS! (I had to end this blog last night because I got distracted to look up what the were. All we could remember was that they ended with an "Ah" sound, and that they looked like they were part rabbit, kangaroo and squirrel. We also discovered what "Pademelons" are too!

So, we dropped off Dylan around 6am this morning, and then we went to bed. It actually took me a while to fall asleep though, because I had a whole can of Rockstar in me. That stuff is terrible. My mind raced through so many thoughts. I planned out the rest of my life.

After Law school, I am going to become an apprentice of a glass blower in Ohio to learn that trade. Perhaps I will do some research on the side... meanwhile, I will fall in love with an attractive young artist and live happily ever after. Sound like a good deal? I think so.

The rest of today was mellow. ... Especially since I slept until one. I haven't been reading Dorian Gray, and what I did read of the Introduction just made me mad. I have made a lot of progress in Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas, and I really enjoy it. A lot.

Now? ... I should type the senate minutes. blah.

Priorities...

Things I want to do:
* Listen to Miles Davis
* Read Watchmen so I can figure out WHY people like the Comedian and Rorshauch so much
* Draw

Things I have to do:
* Write 4 pages on the historical events that occurred during Anne Moody's life
* Read at least 50 or so pages of Dorian Gray ( <3 style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">)
* Do laundry
* Clean

Things I wish I had done and now am regretting:
* Gone bowling with Augsburg Recovery

So.
This is where I stand. A side of me wants to say, "well... you HAVE to do laundry anyway, why not read Watchmen? But I can't because I have to read Dorian Gray, which makes me joyous... but ... Watchmen?

THen the paper. It will be a good paper. It's about a STORY. A story and how a woman's life was influenced by her time and history. That's what I want to DO for a living. This paper should be a breeze.

And I regret...
Ever since Jeff spoke at the Student Senate meeting a few weeks ago, I have been interested in possibly being involved with his group, Augsburg Recovery. The group is a way for Step-up to be connected with the rest of campus and for students who want to have fun on Thursday nights without resorting to drugs and alcohol, and they have a bunch of cool things planned. Tonight they went bowling. All week I have been thinking about how much fun it would be to go bowling, how I like it, and how it would be a way to meet new people... but I am shy. I use that as an excuse, as well as, "Well... I won't know anyone ... so it will be awkward." Which completely defeats the point of "meeting new people."

Today before dinner, Jeff asked me if I was going... and I had to say no. I felt awful, because I would have at least known Jeff! Sure, I have a ton to do anyway... but I could have done it afterwards... (no I couldn't have) but... I just feel like I should have gone.

That's what's eating me right now.

I promised to keep you informed on the Senate's decisions of last night. I won't go into extensive detail (my 13 pages of notes do that well enough) but in the end Asac and Kaug were both recommissioned with some stipulations, and I think Link got chartered. The meeting lasted until 11:23pm.

Don't tell anyone, but I secretly really enjoy long meetings.

Appeals!

March eleventh, 2009. Student Senate Special meeting for the appeals of Asac and Kaug. They do not wish to be chartered, and would much prefer to keep their Commissioned status.

I am pretty excited, though there will be a TON of notes, I am glad that there is one more meeting.

And they arrive! Tons of them. Tons of avid supporters. This will be extreme.

Updates later.

Trimethylxanthine and the delicate perfume of the pink-flowering thorn

I am in love.
Yes, Love like nothing I will ever experience. True love, like my marriage to the stars. Unrequited, pure, wholesome, ever-lasting love!

11:11 make a wish

But to my love... it is known that I have had a crush on Oscar Wilde since I was fifteen. I even recall vividly, sitting at fence with the Herp Society, Kraken entwined in my fingers, passing the time by day dreaming. My mind was not filled with the faces of handsome young actors. Not Orlando Bloom, or Jake Gyllenhaal... but images of myself wearing high collared gowns, gawdy hats, laced heeled shoes, and long cigarettes. Of course, I was in the company of Mr. Wilde, and as we smoked our long cigarettes, we spoke of frivilous matters... but I knew I fascinated him. In our banter of light topics, we grew into deep societal discussions, debates, disagreements and consent. We laughed heartily...

Such were the fantasies of 15 year old Lily Morris.

I haven't come far from that... and this evening, as I sat down with the Portrait of Dorian Gray times 2, I absorbed each word individually... slowly... sweet, Sweet ambrosia of the mind.

I am not reading to get through it to say I did this time. I am reading it to get into the soul. Like the artist puts himself into the canvas, the writer to the script, and I, as the reader am responsible for soaking in each bit of text and finding the blood within it... transfusing it into myself, and becoming not just Lily Morris, but a depository for the emotions of the past.

As a lover of Oscar Wilde, my duty is to preserve. ... and some day, when Fahrenheit 451 goes down, it will be I, sitting by the riverside, reciting passages of the Too resplendent sun, who hurries the pallid and reluctant moon, back to her cave, 'ere she hath won, a single ballad of the nightengale.

Speaking those words aloud, just as he wrote them... just as he might have spoken them... a century ago.

My body is shaking after that first chapter... but I also realize that that could be accounted for by the caffiene in my small, sensitive system.

I drank a Mountain Dew after 8. That pretty much means that any attempts at sleep will be futile... and who would WANT to sleep when you've got energy, Dorian Gray, and a pulsing artistic flow?

Everything that I need to get done will get done... and I even plan on going back to my room tonight and making at least one art card with the box of pencils my Mom gave me. I am thinking that I will use my sketch of Galaxy that I did last summer... before she died. :( ... BUT HOW COULD I SELL THAT?! It will hold too much of my self! My dear, dear rabbit... the plump, single baby with chocolate spots... Bastard child of Celestial Beauty and a dastardly mini rex buck... Rest In Peace Morris's Galaxy...

But I digress.

Home was beautiful, and I am glad I went, and I am equally glad that I have again returned to my College. Yes yes yes.

Chick-a-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee!

When will I learn that when I feel a blog a-tinglin' inside me, I've got to BLOG it, before I go on facebook and have the muse subsequently die?

I'll try to bring it back.

I have just returned to my room. This morning I woke up in time to do my Student Senate Office hour, when I should have worked on the beastly minutes, but instead chatted with a fest friend... then I went to the Financial Aide office and was shown that the FAFSA is not a big scary beast as I have been lead to believe. All I have to do is file my taxes, and it pretty much does itself. Whew!

Also this morning I realized that I CAN GO HOME THIS WEEKEND! Visser and I are going to go to the Fridley Speech Meet, where I will judge, and then I will ride the bus HOME! I will have the rest of Saturday, all of Sunday, and Monday morning with my lovely parents, cat, and dog. Oh! How wonderful!

My window is open, and the blinds drawn up. It is by far the most beautiful day of the year. Yesterday, I was musing on how nice it was, and that was before the sun came out! Now, with each glance out my window, there is more muddy brown earth exposed in Murphey park. After I practiced this morning, it was a struggle to keep myself from falling to my knees in front of Christensen to press my nose to the soil and take a big breath. ... Ah... yes... I can do that tomorrow at home. No one will judge me. :)

Even the breeze wafting through my window is fragrant, and every so often I hear the Chick-a-dees with their "Spring's here" call. Spring time in the city!

In my recent "I like" blog, I mentioned reading. I had forgotten the love that reading and I once shared... and now, with spring arising, our affair is taking on a new flame. I used to read all the time, but when school started last fall... we had a falling out. Reading was too needy, too urgent and demanding... he also became dense and oftentimes boring. No longer did I come to him out of my own free will, and I ceased to enjoy his company.

Now, with "Coming of Age in Mississippi" assigned, and a little more time to read for fun, it feels like the honey-moon all over again. Just this afternoon, after lunch, I read a few articles in the Echo, and the first chapter of "Watchmen."

When Scott found out I hadn't read "Watchmen" yet, he promptly mailed it to me! It came today! I set about reading it, like a task so I can finish it before I see the movie... but then, in the Echo, I read what Collin Stanhill had to say about it, and I now see that I must go about my reading at a different level. I need to pay closer attention to the frames, and even the colors! Mmmmm... Yum.

I really like the Echo. Perhaps I'll get involved next year.

(though I must say that the horoscopes were a bit harsh this time around!)

There is no band today, and there was no History due to the Peace Prize forum, so aside from my tour in a few minutes, I am done for the day. Much more time for reading!