Gray areas of lifetimes

All of this responsible adult-ness is starting to get to me...

I mean really... Taxes? Insurance? Finding Employment? Not going home for the summer?

It's a lot to take in, and I am growing more and more apprehensive each day. Less and less like the kid I feel I should still be. Independence.

All my life people have described me as an independent person, and I guess I always have been... BUT... I have never had to actually use it.

Now that I am staying here over the summer I really am what I own.

Only one month left in Urness... this is it. I've been here 7 months. Seven solid months of my life have been centered around the room that I am sitting in right now.

I am going to miss my view of Murphey Park.

Ugh... I don't want to think about this much anymore.

I am going to miss Kanebec County. I am going to miss the gravel roads, that when I visit will still be there, but won't be the setting of my narrative anymore. They won't be mine. I am going to miss the woods between the house and the shop. I am going to miss each tree I pass on the trail. I will miss the old trailer, and the yard with the trees I used to climb in. The picnic table. The lilac bush that was planted when I came home from the hospital. The radio station with its smell, and sounds. The studio where I have shared joy, and shed tears. My family and pets. The people who have always been there.

This is what I think about, and start doubting... but I will make the right decision. I know that is true... and I know that that decision is to stay...

But I don't want to grow up. I don't want to finish this chapter. At first I thought that High School Graduation was the end of an era; the closing of Act One; the final page... but I see now that it wasn't. I can look at it like a historian, like Adamo's lecture, "Modern or Medieval?"

What distinguishes the line between child and teenager? Can I block it off and say, "Childhood: C. 1990-2003 Adolescence: 2003-2008, Adulthood: 2008-." No... it can't be defined. Did I become a teenager when I hit puberty? When I turned 13? When I started 9th grade? After the first Marching Band practice? Was adulthood defined by my 18th birthday as it is legally? Was it after the State Speech tournament? Was it Josh? Was it after the last parade? The first day in my dorm? The first day of class? Was it filing my taxes? Or will it be summer?

I wish it was defined so I could have prepared better.