Hi!... How are you?

I am growing irked with this question. It's a down side of going to a college where you know everyone. When you are walking to class, and you feel like shit because everything sucks, and a friend of yours in passing greets you with, "How are you?" the automatic default reply is, "Pretty good!" Often accompanied with a smile... even though it's all a lie.

Of course, it would be very inappropriate to respond with, "FML" "Awful" "Depressed" or "Lousy"... or even, "Meh" because all of those responses require an explanation... which I guess is exactly what you WANT to give... but you can't because the asker of the question is on their way to do something else and really don't want to be bombarded with your issues...

"Hey Lily! How are you?"
"Pretty bummed, though I am starting to feel a little better."
"Oh, that's too bad. I am glad you are feeling better. What's up?"
"Well, I am just pretty stressed, and overwhelmed with everything that is going to happen in the next four weeks. Not to mention what's going to happen AFTER that. I don't know if I should stay here, work, and live in Mort while possibly getting a swanky waitressing job, or if I should go home to Ogilvie where I can recouperate for three months, work some low pressure jobs and read books, but risk getting terribly lonely. I mean, I WANT to go home because I miss my family, and I need the time to relax... but I could do that in a week... Three months? I'll go crazy! But if I stay here, I won't have SUMMER in the sense that I am used to... I'll have Minneapolis, but none of the fun and family that I think I need... And I think I would still end up being lonely... shit... I am lonely NOW and I am surrounded with people. Suddenly I am disillusioned with all the prospects of college, and new people, and I find myself isolated and alone. Plus, I don't like putting myself out there because that is really draining, and oftentimes feel violated afterwards... but if I don't then I kick myself for letting possible friendships float past... And, I'll deny ever saying this, but I think I want a boyfriend... or just SOMEONE that I can be close to. Ugh. Now I have papers to write, passive voices to kill, laundry to do, Women's Studies to read, minutes to type, court cases to plan, with a day that won't be done until at least midnight, and fatigue that has been eating me since I woke up... What should I do?"
"Well, I think you should listen to the Shins, drink some Sobe, take a deep breath and start plugging. It's like your Mom said, 'you stay up all night playing DnD, you should have no problem staying up to get things done. Buckle down and get on it!'"

So that's what I'm doing. I just drank HALF a can of Sobe. Hopefully that will give me enough power to get a paper done, without the side effects that include 3am sobbing and leg shaving. Sweet Sweet elixer of life.

Earlier when I was tired I pretended it was because I went to a mid-night showing of a good movie the night before. That's one of my FAVORITE feelings. I felt the exhaustion throughout my body, but I accepted that I had to embrace it rather than fight it... it worked.

I also just dug myself out of my desk, and that really isn't an exaggeration. I couldn't see it... so I took out a cardboard box and started putting books in it, so I could move other things onto my shelves... from there, my desk underwent an entire remodeling. I am glad that I did. It's a proper workspace now. Proper enough. I'll move onto my closet next.

Juve brought my charger back, so I have a phone again. This was a very educational weekend.

And now I am listening to the Death Cab for Cutie album that Kathleen burned for me. It's proving to be very helpful to my mood.

So things aren't too bad. Not one at a time. Right?
Right.

Alone in the now darkened Honors Suite

Bright Side: I finished my paper
Down Side: I drank a whole can of Sobe Adrenaline Rush, am now wired, and the paper wasn't even that good.

So now I am still kind of emo... awake... and scared to walk back to Urness in the dark. Note that this is based on my general fear of the dark, and not Augsburg in particular.

My Caffeine buzz is one that leaves me wide awake and MOTIVATED, but unwilling to actually DO anything.

Hesser Firm worked out our charges tonight. We pretty much rock.

I also went to Hard Times with Student Government. Glad I went, though it was awkward consumer of time.

Before that I had to go to a leadership thing. Yawn.

I am sick of being half-shy.

I decided to share my mosaic. This was one of those chain things that went around on Facebook. I thought it was fun. Top left to right: The Lily is what I got when I typed my name into Google, My favorite food: pesto Raviolli-home made like at Sid's, Ogilvie, My home town. Second row: Favorite color-Red, Movie-Forrest Gump, Drink-Cherry Limeade Third: Dream Vacation: Australia, Dessert: Ice Cream Sundaes, One word to describe myself: Over worked. Fourth: How I felt (at the time): Relaxed, what I love more than anything in the world: Nature What I want to be when I grow up: Lawyer.

The end.

Auggies are Angsty

I feel like I have to fill this text box with,
"Professor So-and-So,
I am very sorry for missing my interview... or... I apologize for completely forgetting to write a paper... please have pity on me.
Thank You for your understanding,
Lily Morris."

Today, I admit was a fruitful one. I sent out many important e-mails like the one above, I paid for some tuition, paid this month's phone bill, mailed my insurance application, and an application to Sportsman's Cafe, sent a card to Amnesty international, finished the Picture of Dorian Gray, called my parents, and remembered to eat vegetables at dinner.

Today was in fact, a good day.

I woke up feeling lousy, because I went to bed feeling lousy. Due to the adverse effects of caffeine and estrogen, I found myself lying awake near midnight after already drawing in my sketchbook, venting to my Mom, and writing in wild cursive with green ink in my journal... I could have blogged then, but I was too tired to pull myself out of bed, and I knew that the blog would not be a happy one.

I almost finished Dorian Gray before Women's Studies, and when I got there, Jenny gave me a mountain Dew... and lamented at not finishing her paper.

What paper?

Women's Studies, it's due today.

Oh.

I drank the Mountain Dew... drowning my suffering... knowing very well that it was caffeine that caused my sorrows the night before.

After class, I stopped by the Cafeteria to meet Kathleen. Now, this will sound unbelievably sappy, but once I talked to her, life felt all right. We then went to an intellectually stimulating writing class.

Letters was canceled, so we went to the bank. I got some other business done and went to Jazz band.

Kevin didn't wait for me at dinner yesterday, so I rebelled and went up with Fred and Marty. By this time I was feeling quite cheerful, and we talked about pro-wrestling and literature... until certain outside factors killed all signs of conversational life.

Since then, I have been diligently working... though I some how only managed to get three essays read, and one paragraph typed. At least I have a plan... and a lot of free time tomorrow...

So, the angst has passed. Again, I am caffeinated, and enthralled with life... but I am going to air my grievances:

*It is springtime... love is in the air... When I am not focusing my energies towards staunch asexuality, I am being bombarded by the romances of others, and ignored by those who I have somehow managed to fancy. (Don't jump to any conclusions!)

*Women's Studies readings that make me feel sorry for their authors... and then make me mad for feeling sorry for them because they're just whining and judging anyway! I am also sick of being attacked by these essays for being white. Curse the whites! They all love to trod upon those they find inferior to themselves! Buh wahahaa! ... I love Women's Studies. I love analyzing social circumstances. I love debating the implications of race and gender, and discussing ways to reach equality... but last night I was in no condition to be defensive.

*I've barely scratched the surface of the Senate notes... FROM TWO WEEKS AGO!

*The buildings are starting to get really, really hot. ... Sticky, warm, hot... the hot that hits you in waves and forces you to peel off layers exposing unacceptable sweat (A completely natural biological function.) When you're not too hot, you're too cold... because you're outside... or because you opened your window to air out your room...

*...THAT SMELLS! Oh how it smells! Foul... dank... like a grizzly bear's den after his long hibernation. I can't escape it... And I am forced to return to that place...

Hamlet's "Sordid sheets" are brought to mind...
... but they're not my sheets... and I am not adulterous...

All that aside, I am feeling full of love. Love that is in no way physical, and attached to the senses, that will fade when the senses die...
... Oscar Wilde my love... forgive me for misquoting you... at least I got the point across.

LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

Fame

I was just on Yahoo! and there was an ad for credit scores or something. It was using the image of George Washington... and I got to thinking.

Many people want to be famous, but did George Washington want that? Was he a kid my age thinking to himself, "Golly-gee, I sure hope that I can be famous some day." No. At least I don't think so. He just had goals for himself, and was in the right place at the right time. It is selfish to aspire to fame and fame alone.

Someday, if I keep to my own goals, if I graduate with a degree in History, go on to Law, get involved in politics, then maybe my image will be recognized... or maybe it won't... or maybe I will decide that I don't want to go into law or politics, that I want to marry a glass blower and live on a commune... So what?

Ok... So I still have a hard time accepting my unfame... but... whatever.

Today is our last day in Nebraska. I don't like it. While I am looking forward to getting back to school, where I have motivation and can get things done, it has been far too nice out here.

We get to see the play today. Finally! after all this anticipation. I am looking forward to it, though word on the street is that it's not their best work. We'll have to see for ourselves.

Ribs!!!

I had ribs for lunch today. Kathleen, Lauren and I went to Whiskey Creek, and it was delicious. I also got a sweet potato which was fantastic.

Last night we wasted 7 hours. After dinner we watched TransAmerica. We liked it, and then... I spent about an hour trying to find an Oregon Trail Deluxe emulator, but only got the original... Kathleen and Tad Drowned, and I think I got Typhoid. Someday, I guess I will have to buy the Deluxe version for my computer, then it will be just like my young days when Ashley and I played it over and over and over...

Then I chatted on Facebook, and eventually watched the last half of Jesus Camp with Kathleen on her computer, and the first part of "Because the Bible tells me so" which was a documentary on homosexuality and Christianity.

It made me quite upset.

Today we got up earlyish and ran errands. I bought ANOTHER Tom Robbins book. "Wild Ducks Flying Backward." I hope it isn't possible to read too much Tom Robbins. It would be awful to start hating him. Awful. I also hope that Kathleen enjoys him. It would be ever so embarrassing.

Now we are watching Sonny with James Franco in it. He is a very good looking man.

Hooray!

Hail Nebraska

Look at me! 3:24 in the AM. I am awake. Awake. Alert. Caffeinated.

I think I am redeveloping my sensitivity to Caffeine. Perfect timing eh? 7 months into my college career... or maybe it is just allergies... but that means that I have allergies... ugh.

Well, I am in Nebraska! I have been since Friday. Kathleen, Tad and I left after our classes around twelve thirty, and drove 7 hours out here. Since then we have been eating GOOD food, and hanging out with cool people, and having an all around GREAT time.

We went to the Omaha Zoo on Saturday, and I wish I would have blogged about that earlier, because now, at this hour, and this state of mind, all I can think of to say is that, "it was cool." My favorite parts were the Tapirs, and the QUOKKAS! (I had to end this blog last night because I got distracted to look up what the were. All we could remember was that they ended with an "Ah" sound, and that they looked like they were part rabbit, kangaroo and squirrel. We also discovered what "Pademelons" are too!

So, we dropped off Dylan around 6am this morning, and then we went to bed. It actually took me a while to fall asleep though, because I had a whole can of Rockstar in me. That stuff is terrible. My mind raced through so many thoughts. I planned out the rest of my life.

After Law school, I am going to become an apprentice of a glass blower in Ohio to learn that trade. Perhaps I will do some research on the side... meanwhile, I will fall in love with an attractive young artist and live happily ever after. Sound like a good deal? I think so.

The rest of today was mellow. ... Especially since I slept until one. I haven't been reading Dorian Gray, and what I did read of the Introduction just made me mad. I have made a lot of progress in Half Asleep in Frog Pajamas, and I really enjoy it. A lot.

Now? ... I should type the senate minutes. blah.

Priorities...

Things I want to do:
* Listen to Miles Davis
* Read Watchmen so I can figure out WHY people like the Comedian and Rorshauch so much
* Draw

Things I have to do:
* Write 4 pages on the historical events that occurred during Anne Moody's life
* Read at least 50 or so pages of Dorian Gray ( <3 style="color: rgb(0, 0, 153);">)
* Do laundry
* Clean

Things I wish I had done and now am regretting:
* Gone bowling with Augsburg Recovery

So.
This is where I stand. A side of me wants to say, "well... you HAVE to do laundry anyway, why not read Watchmen? But I can't because I have to read Dorian Gray, which makes me joyous... but ... Watchmen?

THen the paper. It will be a good paper. It's about a STORY. A story and how a woman's life was influenced by her time and history. That's what I want to DO for a living. This paper should be a breeze.

And I regret...
Ever since Jeff spoke at the Student Senate meeting a few weeks ago, I have been interested in possibly being involved with his group, Augsburg Recovery. The group is a way for Step-up to be connected with the rest of campus and for students who want to have fun on Thursday nights without resorting to drugs and alcohol, and they have a bunch of cool things planned. Tonight they went bowling. All week I have been thinking about how much fun it would be to go bowling, how I like it, and how it would be a way to meet new people... but I am shy. I use that as an excuse, as well as, "Well... I won't know anyone ... so it will be awkward." Which completely defeats the point of "meeting new people."

Today before dinner, Jeff asked me if I was going... and I had to say no. I felt awful, because I would have at least known Jeff! Sure, I have a ton to do anyway... but I could have done it afterwards... (no I couldn't have) but... I just feel like I should have gone.

That's what's eating me right now.

I promised to keep you informed on the Senate's decisions of last night. I won't go into extensive detail (my 13 pages of notes do that well enough) but in the end Asac and Kaug were both recommissioned with some stipulations, and I think Link got chartered. The meeting lasted until 11:23pm.

Don't tell anyone, but I secretly really enjoy long meetings.

Appeals!

March eleventh, 2009. Student Senate Special meeting for the appeals of Asac and Kaug. They do not wish to be chartered, and would much prefer to keep their Commissioned status.

I am pretty excited, though there will be a TON of notes, I am glad that there is one more meeting.

And they arrive! Tons of them. Tons of avid supporters. This will be extreme.

Updates later.

Trimethylxanthine and the delicate perfume of the pink-flowering thorn

I am in love.
Yes, Love like nothing I will ever experience. True love, like my marriage to the stars. Unrequited, pure, wholesome, ever-lasting love!

11:11 make a wish

But to my love... it is known that I have had a crush on Oscar Wilde since I was fifteen. I even recall vividly, sitting at fence with the Herp Society, Kraken entwined in my fingers, passing the time by day dreaming. My mind was not filled with the faces of handsome young actors. Not Orlando Bloom, or Jake Gyllenhaal... but images of myself wearing high collared gowns, gawdy hats, laced heeled shoes, and long cigarettes. Of course, I was in the company of Mr. Wilde, and as we smoked our long cigarettes, we spoke of frivilous matters... but I knew I fascinated him. In our banter of light topics, we grew into deep societal discussions, debates, disagreements and consent. We laughed heartily...

Such were the fantasies of 15 year old Lily Morris.

I haven't come far from that... and this evening, as I sat down with the Portrait of Dorian Gray times 2, I absorbed each word individually... slowly... sweet, Sweet ambrosia of the mind.

I am not reading to get through it to say I did this time. I am reading it to get into the soul. Like the artist puts himself into the canvas, the writer to the script, and I, as the reader am responsible for soaking in each bit of text and finding the blood within it... transfusing it into myself, and becoming not just Lily Morris, but a depository for the emotions of the past.

As a lover of Oscar Wilde, my duty is to preserve. ... and some day, when Fahrenheit 451 goes down, it will be I, sitting by the riverside, reciting passages of the Too resplendent sun, who hurries the pallid and reluctant moon, back to her cave, 'ere she hath won, a single ballad of the nightengale.

Speaking those words aloud, just as he wrote them... just as he might have spoken them... a century ago.

My body is shaking after that first chapter... but I also realize that that could be accounted for by the caffiene in my small, sensitive system.

I drank a Mountain Dew after 8. That pretty much means that any attempts at sleep will be futile... and who would WANT to sleep when you've got energy, Dorian Gray, and a pulsing artistic flow?

Everything that I need to get done will get done... and I even plan on going back to my room tonight and making at least one art card with the box of pencils my Mom gave me. I am thinking that I will use my sketch of Galaxy that I did last summer... before she died. :( ... BUT HOW COULD I SELL THAT?! It will hold too much of my self! My dear, dear rabbit... the plump, single baby with chocolate spots... Bastard child of Celestial Beauty and a dastardly mini rex buck... Rest In Peace Morris's Galaxy...

But I digress.

Home was beautiful, and I am glad I went, and I am equally glad that I have again returned to my College. Yes yes yes.

Chick-a-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee!

When will I learn that when I feel a blog a-tinglin' inside me, I've got to BLOG it, before I go on facebook and have the muse subsequently die?

I'll try to bring it back.

I have just returned to my room. This morning I woke up in time to do my Student Senate Office hour, when I should have worked on the beastly minutes, but instead chatted with a fest friend... then I went to the Financial Aide office and was shown that the FAFSA is not a big scary beast as I have been lead to believe. All I have to do is file my taxes, and it pretty much does itself. Whew!

Also this morning I realized that I CAN GO HOME THIS WEEKEND! Visser and I are going to go to the Fridley Speech Meet, where I will judge, and then I will ride the bus HOME! I will have the rest of Saturday, all of Sunday, and Monday morning with my lovely parents, cat, and dog. Oh! How wonderful!

My window is open, and the blinds drawn up. It is by far the most beautiful day of the year. Yesterday, I was musing on how nice it was, and that was before the sun came out! Now, with each glance out my window, there is more muddy brown earth exposed in Murphey park. After I practiced this morning, it was a struggle to keep myself from falling to my knees in front of Christensen to press my nose to the soil and take a big breath. ... Ah... yes... I can do that tomorrow at home. No one will judge me. :)

Even the breeze wafting through my window is fragrant, and every so often I hear the Chick-a-dees with their "Spring's here" call. Spring time in the city!

In my recent "I like" blog, I mentioned reading. I had forgotten the love that reading and I once shared... and now, with spring arising, our affair is taking on a new flame. I used to read all the time, but when school started last fall... we had a falling out. Reading was too needy, too urgent and demanding... he also became dense and oftentimes boring. No longer did I come to him out of my own free will, and I ceased to enjoy his company.

Now, with "Coming of Age in Mississippi" assigned, and a little more time to read for fun, it feels like the honey-moon all over again. Just this afternoon, after lunch, I read a few articles in the Echo, and the first chapter of "Watchmen."

When Scott found out I hadn't read "Watchmen" yet, he promptly mailed it to me! It came today! I set about reading it, like a task so I can finish it before I see the movie... but then, in the Echo, I read what Collin Stanhill had to say about it, and I now see that I must go about my reading at a different level. I need to pay closer attention to the frames, and even the colors! Mmmmm... Yum.

I really like the Echo. Perhaps I'll get involved next year.

(though I must say that the horoscopes were a bit harsh this time around!)

There is no band today, and there was no History due to the Peace Prize forum, so aside from my tour in a few minutes, I am done for the day. Much more time for reading!

March Fo(u)rth!

I am tired. Suddenly. I took a nap before band, so when I got there, it felt really early in the day... then dinner happened, and I want to go to sleep.

History was fun today. I was able to read all that was required. It is a good book we are reading, "Coming of Age in Mississippi." Because it's about growing up poor and black in the rural south, it's quite depressing, but it reads easily. Sitting down to read for 2 and a half hours is nothing!

After class I talked to Professor Lansing about being my academic adviser. It was awkward, but now I am excited. He's an American History Professor who is writing a book about the Non-partisan league. I think it's a pretty good match. I get to keep my honors adviser too. yay!

I also told him about the documentary I started watching last night. After two hours of reading in the library last night, I decided that I wanted to watch a movie. I paged through what the library had, and found one called, "The Weather Underground." I got through the first half before I fell asleep. That's some crazy good stuff.

In the late 60s and 70s there was a student protest organization called "Students for a Democratic Society" and from them came "The Weathermen" (... don't tie no bows, don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows... lookout kid you're gonna get hit...) These students felt that the only way to end violence was to USE violence.

There are actual interviews with the people who were involved. Of course they are all grown up now. My favorite was a man who is a history teacher now. When his students ask what his role was during Vietnam, he has to explain that he was a key member of an underground student organization...

After class I gave blood. This was my third time, and it was a pretty painless experience. I took a nap afterwards, but in band I was a bit light headed.

Then dinner, now I am here, and soon I have to go to the FINAL (if the senators approve it) Student Senate Meeting (Awww.) I will be glad to have wednesdays back, but I am really happy that this happened. I got so much out of it, and met some of the coolest people.

Some Things I Like

One hour ago, I came online to blog. I have since checked my facebook, filled out a silly forward, and emailed my mom. My paper is no closer to completion.

But I feel that if I don't blog, all the things that are bubbling in my right now will eat at me until I either get them out, or simply fade to oblivion and I will no longer have anything to blog about!

A while ago, Ali and Adam did some "I likes" and I have been thinking of mine since then. They happen all the time, but here are some as of now:

The smell of books. Old books, new books, it doesn't matter. Each book's smell reminds me of another book's smell, and the smell is usually rooted in happiness.

Old Newspapers. I realized that one today while I researched my argumentative paper. On the first floor of the library there is a whole filing cabinet FULL of local newspapers from 2004 to today. It was brilliant. I set up camp in front of the files for an hour, paging through the past. It made me all tingly because it made me think of the things I might be doing someday as a real historian. (Old newspapers smell good too!)

Primary Sources. I used to think that primary sources were dense and boring. Then I got Lansing's History class, and we get primary sources to read all the time! I love reading the Newsweek articles from the 1950s, and learning about the threat of television, and other things that were of concern then. I really really really enjoy that.

Stories. All stories, but especially the stories of walls, and mountains, trees and rivers. The walls of my dorm room hold the stories of 43 years of 18 year old College First years. 43 different experiences, emotions, music, and lives. How much a part of me my room is, and it has been that much a part of 43 people over 43 years of time. Of History, of change... I will write a full blog about it some day...

Using the short paper towel dispenser, and pretending I am tall. Do I really need to elaborate?

Reading. Especially the full feeling after reading for a long time. Even if it's assigned.

The Third floor of the Library.
Making New Friends.
Jazz.
Blues.
Letters.
Waking up on the floor after a long night of deep conversations.

Getting things done... like papers... that are due tomorrow.

Last Run-Out!

Are my blogs too big? I think they might be... I get long winded.

I JUST returned from the LAST Gospel Praise run-out this morning. Now our next gig isn't until the 29th at the Dakota, and that kind of makes me sad. Brian and I swapped trumpets for the second service today. It is almost trumpet sacrilege, but he had a Stradivarius, and I a Xeno, and we wanted to experience the difference. The Strad was lighter, and quicker to respond, but I still love the full, sweet sound of my Xeno better.

(I just smelled my bar of Patchouli soap... it DOES kind of smell like mold.)

In a few minutes, Jenny, Elspeth, Onike and I are going to go to the Electric Fetus. I have not been to the Minneapolis one yet, and I am pretty excited. I also plan on buying presents... for myself and others.

Then, I had thought of adventuring on my own, but I don't think that will happen. By the time we get back from the Fetus, it will probably be time for me to settle down with Galileo and Coming of Age in Mississippi for the rest of the night. I think I am ok with that... so far.

I got home from Duluth/Superior last night around six. We left Friday afternoon, and got up there in time to pick up Sara in Superior, and then eat a quick dinner at Erbert and Gerberts (Better than Jimmy Johns because they let you keep the guts of your sandwich. Jimmy Johns throws it away!!! THE BEST PART) Then we went to the Vagina Monologues. The actresses were all on script, which is understandable, but also off putting. Regardless, I enjoyed the show thoroughly. Alan took Sara and I back to Superior afterwards, and then he rejoined his Duluth friends.

The evening was pretty relaxed. I met some of Sara's friends, and then we tried to talk to a ghost. I was really tired and just thought great thoughts to myself. Some ALMOST creepy things happened, but I wasn't worried.

It was at least one, maybe two by the time we got back to Sara and Julia's dorm. We ate some birthday cake, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the morning... Half on Sara's bed, glasses still on my face. Sara fell asleep on the floor. Had we put any planning into it at all, we all would have slept comfortably... but instead, I was cramped, and Sara was cold.

Before Alan picked me up, Sara and I had a deep conversation, just like we always do. It was wonderful to see her.

Alan, being the AWESOME friend that he is, let me go home for a little bit too. I had to get a financial aid form signed, and see my home and parents. That made me quite happy. Now I think I will be able to last until I get to next see them again... which is undetermined.

I watched Amelie last night. Over Christmas a FEW years ago, Jeanne and Rita had insisted that I watch it, but I fell asleep. Finally getting to see it in its entirity made me so happy! I wrote Rita a late night letter just to express how moved I was.

Then today happened, and we're back where we started.